Tuesday, 4th August 2020

Woman's copy of Normal People has ten pleasure settings

A WOMAN’S paperback copy of Normal People has three different speeds and ten different pleasure settings, she has confirmed. 

Eleanor Shaw picked up the millennial love story by Sally Rooney assuming it would be a breezy summer pageturner, but was shocked to discover it was capable of rocking her world even with the lights out.

She said: “I thought it was odd at the supermarket when the woman blushed and put it in a separate bag, like you do with raw chicken. Now it makes total sense.

“On the walk home I leafed through a couple of pages and had to force myself to stop because I nearly collapsed in a sweaty heap right there and then.

“When I got in I hid it under my mattress, and I’m only cracking it out in the dead of night when I’m convinced my flatmates are asleep. I mean the book’s quiet enough, but I’m not when it’s finished with me.

“I’ve already had to replace the batteries twice, and the motor’s making a funny whining noise. But I can’t stop. I’m just at the bit where they reconcile. You need to leave now.”