Is your bullshit no longer working?

HAVE you been getting by on vague, waffling bullshit for years, but suddenly it’s not doing the trick? 

Do ambigious platitudes and sketchy promises no longer allow your audience to hear whatever they want to hear, but instead leave them confused and demanding clarity?

Are your speeches now having their contradictory promises and idiotic optimism forensically pulled apart by not only this disconcerting new Labour leader but your normally loyal friends, the right-wing newspapers?

Bad news. It seems as if, after years of never being held to anything you say because you’re charismatic with fun hair, you’ve stumbled into a situation where facts are important.

And while your natural instinct is to say everything’s great and everyone should do whatever they want, for some reason – possibly this pandemic nuisance – it seems your audience prefers the truth even if it’s bad.

Worse, you’ve already fired anyone even capable of taking responsibility so it’s just you and those rising numbers that everyone pays such attention to which really aren’t helpful.

Don’t worry. Remember, you can always do what your old school chum David Cameron did when things got difficult, and quit without any personal consequences whatsoever.

So relax! None of this is really your problem. Let someone else fix it.

Can we go on holiday? and four other Guardian reader concerns

WORRIED your pampered liberal lifestyle won’t survive the pandemic? What are the questions sending your anxiety through the roof? 

Will there be a third series of Fleabag?

There has never been and will never be anything as wonderful as Fleabag. So transgressive, the pretty posh girl. But if Phoebe brings it back, will it be as good? Could it be ruined? Could you gain social capital by saying it’s ruined before anyone else?

Is PPE eco-friendly?

PPE looks after NHS workers and saves lives, however it’s single-use by design and sheds microplastics found in eels’ stomachs. But even though it’s on the Guardian blacklist, unless you’ve discovered a holistic cure for the coronavirus, it’s the lesser evil.

Should I start a lockdown podcast?

Absolutely not. Nobody will listen, nobody will go on it, and you’ll bore yourself droning on about how you struggled to find harissa spice mix in Marks & Spencer.

Are face masks fast fashion?

They might not be on the catwalk, but face masks are set to be the signature look of 2020. Rather using frontline medical supplies, upcycle your own out of a North Face cagoule to achieve that self-righteous, metropolitan elite glow.

Can I go on holiday abroad?

What do you think? The whole planet’s diseased right now so your tour of the Alsace wine region will have to wait. The smug middle-class thing to do instead is discover wonderful countryside just a few miles from home, gosh. Check out my Instagram.