X Factor contestants being sold as meat

STRUGGLING music mogul Simon Cowell is hoping to bolster revenue by turning pop hopefuls into food.

As the X Factor’s ratings plummet, Cowell has invoked Clause 4,356,495 in the Contestant Agreement, stating that he owns ‘all their moving parts including flesh and innards’.

Last weekend’s evictee Kye Sones was the first contestant to emerge from the X Factor pop-meat processing plant as 200 ‘X Factor Talent-burgers’.

A SyCo spokesman said: “Just as we promised, Kye has left this competition completely transformed.

“If you thought he sounded good, he tastes unbelievable.”

X Factor meat products’ packaging is printed with the contestant’s heart-rending back story, as well as nutritional information.

In an effort to sustain SyCo revenue, hastily-organised mass auditions are being held around the country, with thousands of hopefuls queueing to be pushed into a vast, whirring grinder by Dermot O’Leary.

23-year-old auditionee Tom Logan said: “In a way it’s even better than being a pop star.

“When you’re a pie or burger, you literally become one with your fans and stay with them for the entire digestive process.”



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Scotland to try not having a manager

SCOTLAND’S national team will manage itself for a year to see if that’s any better, it has been confirmed.

Craig Levein has departed as manager following a series of results consistent with a nation of congestive heart disease sufferers huddling for shelter just off the North Sea.

An SFA spokesman said: “We’re going to let whoever wants to play for Scotland just turn up and start kicking the ball. We’ll leave the correct number of shirts in a pile at Hampden Park for them to fight over.

“A coach driver will be instructed to pick up whoever’s stood outside the stadium at the end of the day, and to take them to international matches.

“This will save an awful lot of money – Scotland’s managers need 24-hour bodyguard protection from the fans who see no connection between having bloody awful players and playing bloody awful football.

“It also means we can try to entice more players to join the squad by loading up the manager’s seat in the dugout with white pudding and fags.”

The spokesman said: “This may result in the national side consisting of the country’s eleven most violent psychopaths, but at least it keeps them out of the stands and there’s no possible way they can be worse than Kenny Miller.”