All junior doctors to retrain as brand managers

ALL 53,000 junior doctors are to retrain as corporate brand managers for the same pay and no working weekends. 

Doctors have responded to the imposition of a new contract by switching to vital roles like brand management, customer journey design, and clientside insight analysis. 

Ex-junior doctor Mary Fisher said: “I was earning £37,000 in hospital, but even before this new contract I knew I wanted to do something more important with my life. 

“Managing a brand is hard, but rewarding because you’re connecting consumers with great products that will enhance their lives. Things like Coca Cola, or an expensive toaster.

“I never have to see another old person naked, or sit up close to someone with a steaming cold. But the best part of being a brand manager is knowing I’m really making a difference.

“Because of me, someone might buy a thing.”

A government spokesman said: “This is great news. Brand managers are much more our kind of people.”

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Ask Holly: I'm torn between a Rampant Rabbit and backing the Brexit

Dear Holly,

I always struggle to do romantic things for Valentine’s Day, but this year I’m going to try harder. I’ve narrowed it down to two possible gifts: either one of those Rampant Rabbits, or my personal backing to the Brexit campaign. Which one of those naughty treats is going to help keep my marriage alive?



Dear Boris,

We’ve got a lovely little school rabbit called Nibbles who eats vegetables and does tiny poos everywhere. He gets brought out of his hutch when someone kicks off to calm everyone down. My teacher says that’s because stroking soft animals is therapeutic for children with behavioural issues. It turns out that it can also be therapeutic to strangle rabbits if you have ADHD and have eaten too many Skittles at playtime. It’s okay though, Nibbles has fully recovered now and the nightmares have stopped for most of us.

Hope that helps,