Apple launches smaller, more energy-efficient factory worker

TECHNOLOGY giant Apple has unveiled a new kind of production line worker that only needs feeding every other day.

As part of its ongoing commitment to innovation the company has shaved six inches off its Chinese assembly operatives and altered their metabolism so that they require less food.

A spokesman said: “The challenge for us has always been how to make our workers more compact without compromising vital components like hands and eyes.

“Then we realised they didn’t really need their feet if they were going to be sitting down all day. That was the eureka moment.”

Adjustments to the workers’ digestive tracts mean that they absorb nutrients more effectively than the previous Worker 6.1 model and can run for two days on just a banana and a handful of salad leaves.

A brand new Apple Worker SE, known to his family as Li Qiang, said: “I am tired.”

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Everyone on bus writing status updates about each other

EVERYONE on the bus into work today was writing a status update or tweet about another passenger, it has emerged.

24-year-old Stephen Malley tweeted: “The gorgeous blonde is back on the bus to work. You shall be mine!”

Seconds later, window seat occupant Nikki Hollis posted on Facebook: “The weird guy who stares at me and tried to take my picture on his phone is here again. Might inform police.”

Fellow traveller Emma Bradford posted: “The guy next to me on this bus stinks of piss #showermuch?”

Her seat neighbour Tom Booker posted: “Been drinking since Paddy’s Day. I stink of piss.

“Anyway, this knobhead in front of me is reading the Daily Mail #fascist.”

Banker Norman Steele tweeted: “I like the look of this Stephen Crabb. He could definitely be the new Bond #bromance.”

Meanwhile bus driver Bill McKay tweeted: “I hate being a bus driver. Hope they catch me tweeting and sack my ass for gross negligence.”