BOUTIQUE computer giant Apple will no longer be selling its machines to the ugly, it has been confirmed.
As the company released revamped laptops without the DVD drives, keyboards and screens that had been compromising its machines’ flawlessness, it also announced that availability would be restricted to those ‘above a 7.5’ on its in-house ‘would you?’ scale.
An Apple spokesman said: “Access to your local Apple store will be determined by a scathing nine-foot transsexual with a clipboard and a Philip Treacy hat customised with neon penises.
“Inside the ‘inner sanctums’, it will be like a post-fun nightclub with lots of gleaming white surfaces and a muscular DJ in deep v-neck t-shirt playing tasteful minimal house.
“Should you be fortunate enough to gain entry, you will join an ‘identity parade’ of potential owners to be presented to whichever of our computers deigns to be in stock at the time.
“Our updated machines have user selection software which enables them to decide whether you are attractive enough to own them.
“If it’s a ‘no’ it will send a text to your shitty Android phone giving you directions to the nearest branch of Currys as well as a facial scrub recommendation based on your greasy skin type.
“It will then mock you.”
Technology journalist Stephen Malley said: “PCs don’t mind if you’re ugly, because they know they’re ugly too. And that’s what makes it all so wonderfully dirty.”