Bank allowed to put little hats on mortgages

THE Bank of England has been given special powers to put fancy hats on the top of huge home loans that will destroy the economy.

New powers, awarded by the Chancellor just two years after he said they were a terrible idea which proves he knows what he’s doing, will allow the Bank to make terrifying debt look much more friendly.

Governor Mark Carney said: “We’ve got all different kinds – baseball caps, fedoras, porkpie hats, sombreros, the lot.

“It might seem absolutely insane to take out a £400,000 loan, paying back £724,000, for a two-bed flat in Streatham but put a policeman’s helmet on it and it becomes sensible and reassuring.

“Likewise a peaked leather cap and pinning on a bushy moustache can make buying an ex-council house in Bermondsey appear gay-friendly, unlike the residents.

“It will change nothing, apart from when the housing market collapses the Government will be able to say it’s all my fault.”

Nikki Hollis said: “I was having second thoughts about committing to spend the next 25 years paying for a two-bedroom new-build shoebox in Uttoxeter.

“But then the bank manager showed me the pink glitter cowboy hat my mortgage will be sporting. Wow.”


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Pitt and Jolie tell Hague they'd already booked a table for two

ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt were last night forced to tell William Hague they planned to spend the evening alone.

After the three helped launch a campaign against sexual violence in war, Hague approached the superstars, asked where they were all going for dinner and suggested Vietnamese.

But, taking the foreign secretary gently by the arm, Pitt said: “Actually, William we’ve booked a table – for two. But we’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

As the foreign secretary’s advisers tried to hand him intelligence reports on Iraq and Ukraine, Mr Hague brushed them aside and said: “I’m sorry, have I missed something here?

“I just assumed the three of us were going out for dinner and then a few drinks. Have I done something wrong? Are you having dinner with John Kerry?”

The film stars and the foreign secretary then argued quietly, until eventually Pitt shouted: “You’re a weird little guy and your voice is ridiculous.”