THE Bank of England has been given special powers to put fancy hats on the top of huge home loans that will destroy the economy.
New powers, awarded by the Chancellor just two years after he said they were a terrible idea which proves he knows what hes doing, will allow the Bank to make terrifying debt look much more friendly.
Governor Mark Carney said: Weve got all different kinds baseball caps, fedoras, porkpie hats, sombreros, the lot.
It might seem absolutely insane to take out a £400,000 loan, paying back £724,000, for a two-bed flat in Streatham but put a policemans helmet on it and it becomes sensible and reassuring.
Likewise a peaked leather cap and pinning on a bushy moustache can make buying an ex-council house in Bermondsey appear gay-friendly, unlike the residents.
It will change nothing, apart from when the housing market collapses the Government will be able to say its all my fault.
Nikki Hollis said: I was having second thoughts about committing to spend the next 25 years paying for a two-bedroom new-build shoebox in Uttoxeter.
But then the bank manager showed me the pink glitter cowboy hat my mortgage will be sporting. Wow.