Bankers Look Forward To Rubbing Your Nose In It

BANKERS last night welcomed proposals for their salaries to be made public, stressing they cannot wait to rub your nose right in it.

As MPs called for new laws to reveal bankers' pay, senior figures in the City said it could actually help to drive home the fact that they are just much cleverer and more ambitious than you are.

Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, chairman of Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Crack on. Just because it's in the newspapers doesn't mean it's not in my offshore account gathering interest.

"In fact, I'd be more than happy to publish a monthly list of all the lovely things I've spent it on.

"If you want I could alert the Times whenever I upgrade my Maserati or am fitted for a magnificent new suit."

Julian Cook, chairman of Madeley-Finnegan, said: "I could give you a list of the five star hotels I stay at during the course of the year, garnished with details of all the exquisite meals and superb wines that I consume with a big, fat grin on my face.

"You see, I don't care whether you know how much I earn or not. I just want the fucking money.

"And if it makes you hate me to the point where you want to do me harm, I'll use some of the money to hire a large Russian bodyguard who would love nothing more than to smash your face in."

Sir Denys added: "Of course, the government may decide to control our pay at which point you can all look forward to tractor production targets, widescale famine and, within a few years, a large pile of skulls.

"I'll send you a postcard from Antigua."

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Swine Flu Catches Cherie Blair

SWINE flu is on the verge of a hideous and unstoppable mutation after contracting a virulent case of Cherie Blair, scientists have warned.

Experts who had predicted the virus was unlikely to mutate, now say that it definitely will and it is going to be disgusting.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The Cherie virus will attach itself to the swine flu and suck at it like a big, patronising leech that thinks it's better than you.

"Viewed through a microscope the early form of the the mutant CherSwine virus looks like a spiky ball of pus with the mouth of Ronald McDonald.

"And after just ten minutes on the Petri dish it leapt into my wallet and started pocketing all the fivers."

Research scientists are now working frantically to develop a vaccine using a handful of questionable property deals, a dash of extreme Catholicism and an awful lot of Dettol.

According to Prof Brubaker a virus with the contagiousness of swine flu and the eye-gouging awfulness of Cherie Blair will be 'a bit like the Black Death, if it was obsessed with money and status'.

He added: "Have you seen 28 Days Later? I thought it was rather disappointing actually."

The public have been urged to reduce the risk of infection by avoiding new-age bullshit gurus, £1000 charity lunches and Bargain Books.