Banks admit they haven't done anything legal since 1978

BRITAIN’S banks are approaching four decades of unbroken criminality, it has been confirmed.

The banks admitted the last time any of them did anything remotely legal was 10th November, 1978.

A spokesman for Nat West said: “Thirty-six years ago a young man opened a current account in Peterborough and, according to our records, we did not steal from him immediately.

“At 9 o’clock the next morning we took £10 out of his account and when he asked why we said it was ‘because of Abba’.”

A spokesman for Barclays added: “He switched his account to us the following day and we sold him some foreign currency that he could only spend in ‘Marzipanistan’.

“Good times.”


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Idiot right by chance

A COMPLETE idiot holds an opinion that is correct entirely due to luck, it has emerged.

Yes it is

The opinion – that rhubarb is a vegetable rather than a fruit – was arrived at using same illogical thought processes as Julian Cook’s other beliefs, all of which are wrong.

Van driver Cook said: “Obviously rhubarb isn’t a fruit. Fruit is round, like apples and oranges, but vegetables are long, like carrots and parsnips. Also it’s the wrong colour.

“No one would believe me at first, but then my mate Matthew looked it up on his phone and it turned out I was right, just like I was right about wombles being real, but extinct.

“Perhaps now they’ll take me seriously on other issues, like when I said our whole family should join UKIP so we get special treatment when Farage becomes prime minister.

“It’s just the sensible thing to do.”

Family and friends were shocked by Cook’s rare instance of being right, with some now questioning their own beliefs.

Cook’s wife Linda said: “What if Julian’s right about other things? Maybe driving faster is safer. Maybe John Lennon did kill Paul McCartney. Maybe the Russians have got half-ape super soldiers.

“It doesn’t bear thinking about if The Omen really is based on a true story.”