Business bullshit ‘vital’ for people who are bad at everything else

POMPOUS business bullshit is vital for maintaining the self-esteem of people who are crap at everything else, research has found.

A new study has discovered that if unable to make statements like ‘action that vision document for a quick win’, most businesspeople will find themselves feeling unimportant and worthless.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Self-esteem is derived from being good at something. But those who can’t do anything well are drawn to the business world, where you are respected rather than laughed at for using expressions like ‘paradigm shift’ and ‘bleeding edge’.

“Suddenly they can give Powerpoint presentations and nobody is allowed to look away. The world hangs on their every word of regurgitated jargon. They can be proud.”

Strategic marketing manager Roy Hobbs said: “Not many people can proactively amplify core marketing messages in a dynamic business ecosystem like I do.

“I’ve been nominated as Marketing Professional of the Year (Shelving) by Materials Handling World magazine two years running. There’s nothing wrong with my self-esteem.”

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Man wakes up on sofa with bag of sweetcorn on head

A MAN has awoken on his sofa with the front and back doors propped open and a formerly frozen bag of sweetcorn on his head. 

Nathan Muir, from Croydon, admitted he does not remember waking because of the heat, but is impressed with his innovative solution.

He said: “The bathroom basin’s full of cold water, so I’m guessing my first port of call was to soak my entire head.

“When that didn’t work I clearly headed for the cooler climes of downstairs, where the open kitchen drawer shows I rummaged around for the cellar key, sadly without success.

“I then opened both doors to create a through draught, heedless of the risk of crime, and applied frozen sweetcorn topically to the affected area before drifting off into a cool, peaceful sleep.”

He added: “It was a complete success, apart from the neighbourhood cats came in and pissed in the kitchen.”