Consumers To Link Oil Company Profits And Petrol Prices Any Day Now

OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.

As Shell and BP both reported a sharp increase in first quarter earnings, industry experts said drivers who are currently sitting in a queue outside a petrol station in Scotland waiting to pay £1.25 a litre would soon work out the connection.

Tom Logan, an analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "At that point they will get out of their car, calmly dust themselves down and then commit every fibre of their being to hunting down oil company bosses and killing them like rabid dogs.

"They will develop a far away look in their eyes, wear camouflage clothing and sit around campfires at night, sharpening their machetes and describing all the ways they are going to inflict pain on the finance director of Texaco.

"There will also be those who want to hang them up by the feet until the last remaining pennies fall out of their pockets and then beat them to death like one of those Mexican donkey things full of sweets."

Many oil executives have put in place contingency plans including false beards, wide, floppy hats and unusual foreign accents.

Some have even changed their names and signed up as Greenpeace volunteers in the hope of throwing angry drivers off the scent.

Logan added: "The executives may think they are safe inside their volcano fortresses, but I suspect they have not had to deal with a Scotsman who wants his money back."

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Teenage Lives Complete As Grand Theft Auto Fills Gap Between Bouts Of Frenzied Masturbation

TEENAGE boys across Britain are celebrating after discovering a successful method of marking time between energetic masturbation sessions.

Grand Theft Auto IV has been hailed by critics and senior educationalists as the only video game that can keep a 14 year-old boy sufficiently stimulated between visits to the bathroom.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We had high hopes for Call of Duty, but too many boys were still finding time for outdoor activities such as cricket, football, and knife fights."

He added: "As most of our key economic functions are now performed by young women in foreign call centres, educating teenage boys is no longer such a high priority.

"But we must introduce some form of stimulation in order to contain swearing and tutting, and reverse the alarming increase in general hanging about.

"The combination of GTA IV and committed, high-frequency masturbation should keep them in a state of equilibrium until we can train them up and ship them to Afghanistan."

Denys Hatton, head teacher at St Alfred's Middle School in Chertsey, said: "My life is certainly easier thanks to Grand Theft Auto and row upon row of toilet cubicles, but we do like to keep the two things seperate.

"If one of our 13 year-olds thinks about GTA while masturbating, it's off to the nurse."