Consumers To Link Oil Company Profits And Petrol Prices Any Day Now
OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.
As Shell and BP both reported a sharp increase in first quarter earnings, industry experts said drivers who are currently sitting in a queue outside a petrol station in Scotland waiting to pay £1.25 a litre would soon work out the connection.
Tom Logan, an analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "At that point they will get out of their car, calmly dust themselves down and then commit every fibre of their being to hunting down oil company bosses and killing them like rabid dogs.
"They will develop a far away look in their eyes, wear camouflage clothing and sit around campfires at night, sharpening their machetes and describing all the ways they are going to inflict pain on the finance director of Texaco.
"There will also be those who want to hang them up by the feet until the last remaining pennies fall out of their pockets and then beat them to death like one of those Mexican donkey things full of sweets."
Many oil executives have put in place contingency plans including false beards, wide, floppy hats and unusual foreign accents.
Some have even changed their names and signed up as Greenpeace volunteers in the hope of throwing angry drivers off the scent.
Logan added: "The executives may think they are safe inside their volcano fortresses, but I suspect they have not had to deal with a Scotsman who wants his money back."