Employees to be booed at work

FOLLOWING Luis Suarez’s brace of goals against Manchester City, employers are to incentivise workers by arranging similar abuse.

At offices and factories up and down the country, workers will be booed, hissed and barracked by colleagues so that they do a better job.

Tom Logan, who works for the Land Registry department in the Civil Service said: “After a 70 minute commute, nothing inspires me more than being told I’m a ‘wanker’ and ‘buck toothed scum’. 

“It makes me think to myself, right, I’ll show you. I’ll register twice as much land today.”

Donna Sheridan, an employee at a call centre dealing with internet service provider complaints said: “Experiencing abuse on the phone all day and being told I’m a useless slag who works for a barrel of piss company was energising enough.

“However, having my own superiors boo me, spit and throw coins at me gives me the adrenalin burst I need to exceed productivity targets.

“I think to myself, if Suarez can do it without even biting anybody, so can I.”

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Ask Holly: Should I give mental Mumsnet ladies a taste of The Balls?

Dear Holly,

I always suspected that my meaty jaw, toupee-looking hair and testicular surname made me the sexiest man in the Commons, and now all those mental women on Mumsnet want some of my slow burning love. Should I jack in this MP malarkey and join the Chippendales to give these riotous ladies a taste of The Balls they’ll never forget?

Ed Balls


Dear Ed,

You should certainly never be a teacher with a name like that. We had a supply teacher once, called Angela Clutterbuck who was stupid enough not to change her name before entering a classroom of ten year-old children. By the time she moved on she had endured considerable psychological damage and, after a period of recovery, is now operating under a different name.

Hope that helps!