Flexible working not suitable for actual jobs

FLEXIBLE working is impractical for jobs where work needs to be done, it has emerged.

All UK employees are now entitled to request ‘flexitime’, but evidence suggests it may only be suitable for those doing media jobs or working in local council administration.

Fireman Tom Logan said: “We’ve been trying out flexible working, but it’s difficult to put out a warehouse fire when you’re sitting at home with a laptop eating biscuits.

““No matter how many strongly-worded emails you send, it still seems the only way to prevent burning buildings from being gutted is to go and drench them with water and foam.”

Accounts assistant Donna Sheridan said: “”My company lets me choose my hours and work from home, but my job is still boring as fuck. Also it takes forever to organise anything by phone and email, probably because my colleagues are in the garden and playing Swingball.

“Every day it takes me 20 hours to do eight hours work, so next week I’m going back to my hellish three-hour commute to the office just to get a bit of rest.”

However, freelance video artist Stephen Malley said: “In my industry we work flexibly, partly because it’s hard to be creative in a nine-to-five environment but mainly because media firms don’t make enough money to employ anyone full-time.

“If you’re considering a career making ‘virals’ for cool start-ups in Peckham, I’d definitely recommend having rich parents.”

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Christian Bale stuck in character as himself

CHRISTIAN Bale has become permanently stuck in character as a gifted yet pretentious actor.

Famed for his intense commitment to method acting, Bale lost three quarters of his body weight for The Machinist and killed eight people ahead of American Psycho.

Bale adopted the persona of an intense, brooding, self-important actor wedded to his craft several years ago and remains firmly ensconced in that role.

His wife Sandra Blazic said: “It has reached the point now where you would swear that Christian actually is a pretentious actor. A really pretentious actor.

“He’s constantly referring to himself as a canvas or asking about his motivation using the third person when all I’ve asked him is if he’ll pass the Pringles.

“I know that Christian really wants to do this role justice and I really sympathise with that, but it’d also be nice if he could be less of a bell end.”

Bale recently declined a major role as a successful actor who is able to laugh at himself.

He has since had his feet amputated and replaced by hooves to portray Mr Tumnus in a screen version of The Chronicles of Narnia.