House prices increase by precisely the amount of stamp duty cut

THE price of homes for first-time buyers has gone up by exactly what they are set to save after yesterday’s cut in stamp duty.

Prospective first-time buyers of a £280,000 London flat, set to save £4,000 in stamp duty, will now find that the flat costs £284,000.

Estate agent Carolyn Ryan said: “I’ve just finished changing all the prices in the windows.

“It took two hours actually, so unfortunately we will have to pass that on to buyers as an extra £200 admin fee.”

First-time buyer Nikki Hollis said: “With this, two combined wages, and a £40k deposit borrowed from my parents – actually, better make that £44k – we can afford the one-bedroom ex-council Catford flat of our dreams.”

Renter Tom Logan, however, said: “This is a joke. It’s all very well for the likes of Nikki. I’m on £24,000 a year with no deposit, no rich parents.

“I’m going to be stuck in this one-bedroom council flat in Catford forever.”

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Budget assigns £3bn to Brexit, £6bn to bullshit, and £12bn to total and utter bollocks

THE government has promised £3 billion in funding for Brexit, a further £6 billion for bullshit, and an unprecedented £12 billion for utter fucking bollocks.

Chancellor Philip Hammond announced the incredible £21bn giveaway in yesterday’s budget to cheers from hardline Tories fanatically committed to anything that makes no sense whatsover.

Mary Fisher, member for Worcestershire West, said: “It’s fantastic to see the chancellor finally putting money into the wheelbarrows of complete cock which really matter to my constituents.

“I can’t tell you how often they’ve come in spouting absolute shit and demanding we make it our top priority, and finally the funding is there to do so.

“It looked very much as if we were heading in that direction when we gave a billion pounds to the DUP, but I did have my doubts about Hammond. He seemed too determined to stay rational.

“Thankfully bullshit has won the day, and the chancellor has bravely charted a course to the future of unadulterated and unmitigated balls which is every patriotic Briton’s birthright.”