Lloyds fires local branch staff who actually caused the financial crisis

LLOYDS Bank has disposed of 3,000 local bank workers who started the financial crisis from their roles behind counters. 

The bank claims that its provincial staff are the very ones who destabilised the world economy in 2008, and it took eight years to find them hiding in frontline roles in places like Truro. 

A Lloyds Bank spokesman said: “These miscreants somehow, while ostensibly serving pensioners who won’t do this computer nonsense, managed to send the nation into crisis while leaving fake evidence trails back to some of our most highly-paid staff. 

“Thankfully, they’ve been cleared of any crime and the time has come to purge the bank of rotten apples from the bottom up.”

Fired branch manager Joanna Kramer of Bredbury said: “Nobody talks me in the street now.

“I’ve gone from banker to benefits claimant, and they’re the two people whose fault everything is.”


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Office workers advised to run away

UNHEALTHY office staff have been advised to get out of their chairs and run from their workplace, never to return.

After new research revealed the serious health effects of a desk-bound lifestyle, experts advised the best option is running away in search of freedom.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Forget going to the gym, that’s just another big soulless building full of self-obsessed twats.

“Just slip on a pair of trainers, stand at your ‘workstation’, take a deep breath and RUN as far as you can, away from the meaningless, fake-happy corporate horror of it all. You’re getting exercise and you’re also escaping.

“Run out of the building, out of the town, into the fields and woods. Run until you cannot see anything but nature and then lie on your back laughing maniacally.

“Then start gathering firewood and building a crude shelter.”

Former sales administrator Stephen Malley said: “I was playing squash twice a week and doing pilates, then I just decided to run away from my old life instead.

“Now I live in a quarry and my best friend is a fox. I’ve lost two stone and I’ll probably be dead by 55 but at least I feel alive.”