Mafia ‘in awe’ of UK train companies

A GROUP of New York mobsters has visited Britain to get tips on exploitation from train companies.

The gangsters expressed their admiration for the way trains operate in the UK, which they consider to be the most beautiful racket ever devised.

‘Wise guy’ Tommy Logan said: “One day it’s £75 for an off-peak return. The next day – boom – it’s double the price. Nobody asks any questions.

“They got this other shit like ‘super off-peak’ just to make it real confusing.

“Poor schmucks don’t know what ticket to buy so they just get the most expensive one, it’s nice. Real nice.

“Season commuter tickets are the sweetest part of the operation because there’s no other way for people to get to work. Plus they got this ‘family saver’ grift that’s more expensive than the regular fare.

“All this and they don’t even bother to fix the toilets.”

“You know the best thing? If they want more money, they just ask the government. Cook up some bullshit about ‘vital track maintenance’ then blow the loot on women and horses.”