O'Leary Apologises To Leprechauns For Stealing Their Gold

RYANAIR chief executive Michael O’Leary has asked the little people of Ireland to forgive him for stealing their precious gold.

Speaking to an old willow tree near Galway, O’Leary vowed to make amends by leaving a gold coin under every toadstool between Limerick and Killarney, as outlined in Ryanair’s recent financial report.

He told a passing dairy cow: “It was wrong of me to fund a travel empire using the riches of the little people. When you see them, give them this bag of carrots and say I’m sorry.”

O’Leary has built a reputation for refusing to apologise, most notably when he ran up and down the aisle of a flight to Dusseldorf, wearing a turban and shouting ‘I’m a bomber, so I am! Kaboooom!’.

But recent weeks have seen him apologising on an almost hourly basis, often for things that have not happened and to people that do not exist.

Yesteday he told eponymous TV bear ‘Gentle Ben’ that he was sorry for using the last of his piccallili and then had 300 tons of the condiment sprayed across the Appalachian mountains from a specially chartered 747.

But his apology to the leprechauns marks a watershed as O’Leary has been among their fiercest critics, often describing them as ‘two foot of fuck-all with a face like a bag of broken knuckles’.

A Ryanair spokesman said: “Ladies and gentlemnen, once again we’ve had to switch on the ‘fasten seat belts’ sign as another turbulent weather system passes through Mr O’Leary’s head.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Pope Says Child Abuse The Same As Using The Wrong Cutlery

SEXUALLY abusing a child is as sinful as eating soup with a dessert spoon, Pope Benedict confirmed last night.

Launching the latest edition of The Vatican’s Quarterly Guide to Sinning, the Pope said that God would take up to three years to forgive those who misused cutlery, placing it in the same ‘Sin Basket’ as underage sodomy.

The Pontiff said: “I’ve arranged all the major sins in a series of handy baskets. The top basket is things like condoms and abortion and women having thoughts.

“The next basket is certain kinds of war and being a bit shy with the old collection plate. And down here in the 24th basket is child buggery and spoon ignorance.

“That doesn’t mean that spoon ignorance is okay, it just means that if you are, for instance, a priest and you get stuck into a bowl of Scotch broth with the spoon that was positioned at the top of the place setting at right angles to the knife and fork, then there’s only so much we can do to protect you.”

He added: “Men who use the wrong cutlery have simply lost their way on the path to God. And we also have to remember that, in the right light, a dessert spoon can be incredibly sexy.”

Outlining the latest sin formulas, the Pope said that child violation equalled three parking tickets or two consecutive weeks of putting paper and plastic in the same recycling bag.

Meanwhile, the Church is now offering an exchange rate of three acts of paedophilia to one act of fly-tipping.