Olympic village Cash4Gold outlet overwhelmed

THE first few days of the Olympics have seen business booming for the capital’s newest branch of Cash4Gold.

Athletes from across the world have been flooding in to have their precious medals melted down into precious metals in exchange for a bundle of tenners right in their hands.

Branch manager Carolyn Ryan said: “As soon as we hear the national anthems coming from the stadium we get ready.

“Most of them get their money and hit the bars, but any Greek and Spanish winners go next door to The Money Shop and send it to their governments.

“We haven’t seen many Brits yet. Mark Cavendish walked in here all cocky at the weekend and said he’d be back first thing Monday morning, but instead he was taking his flashy carbon-fibre bike to Cash Converters over the road.

“And you don’t get that much for bronze unless there’s a lot of it, so Rebecca Adlington’s joined forces with the Bulgarian weightlifters to nick a statue which is either a gorilla, Boris Johnson, or what Boris Johnson would look like as a gorilla, down to the official Olympic scrapyard.”

Lord Coe, chairman of London 2012, said: “None of this is happening.

“The stadiums are full, G4S have done a superb job providing security, the key hasn’t been lost, nobody is dying of dehydration and reports that the stadium has been built on a sacred Viking burial ground are entirely false.”




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Chinese swimmer's flippers and blowhole suspicious, says top official

SOME Olympians may be heavily-disguised animals, it has been claimed.

The 16-year-old Chinese swimmer Ye Shiwen, who smashed records in the 400 metres medley, was last seen heading out to sea at speeds of over 80 knots with her coach on her back.

Olympic official Roy Hobbs said: “We’d hesitate to accuse a young girl of cheating when she’s achieved something so special, but we do need to take a look at her blowhole at some point.

“A younger swimmer can often improve dramatically over a short period of time without recourse to mindbendingly strong steroids but even the strongest attack of puberty doesn’t usually cause somebody to start communicating via a series of clicks and squeaks.

“I’m not being cruel about her looks, she’s far prettier than Frankie Boyle. But when a search of the changing rooms reveals a bucket of sprats and a zip-up rubber costume with a human face, something has to be done.”

Recent advances in prosthetics have made it easier to disguise non-human athletes. Earlier in the week Australian cyclist Tom Logan was revealed to be a wallaby following a crash.

Logan’s team mate Stephen Malley said: “When Tom hit the ground his face, which had always had strange angles and a rubbery sheen, split open to revel a broad hairy muzzle. However I wasn’t that surprised – absurdly large thigh muscles are par for the cycling course, but hopping and trying to mate with labradors less so.”

Meanwhile, Hobbs has urged Ye Shiwen to return to the Olympic village, saying: “There have been some shady-looking military types asking about her whereabouts. Somebody saw them in a conference room drawing sketches on a flipchart of a stick figure with flippers and a warhead strapped to its skull.”

The practice of entering animals into human events was first recorded at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, when a starting pistol caused British 200 metre runner Tom Booker to leap on his nearest competitor and start biting the man’s neck.

After closer examination, Booker was revealed to be a cougar with a stick-on moustache.