Olympics-themed office fun 'not fun'

OLYMPICS-RELATED office ‘fun’ only serves to highlight the shitness of work, it has emerged.

Attaching an Olympics theme to mundane office tasks has swept the country in the last couple of days and it has been confirmed that absolutely no one is into it.

Office worker Tom Booker said, “This month’s top seller now gets a ‘gold medal’, though it’s made out of chocolate and worth 89p.

But I hate this place and making any money for them so they can shove their gold medal up their arse.

“If somehow I do win it, I’m just going to put a black glove on one hand and hold it up showing solidarity with the long-defunct Black Panther movement. See what the big wigs in the boardroom think of that.”

Meanwhile an office in Stevenage has also offered its staff the chance to knock off two minutes early on a Friday afternoon for every gold medal Team GB wins in what the employees have described as “a pretty pointless gesture.”

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Cameron unable to claim Jobseeker’s Allowance for another five months

DAVID Cameron cannot claim unemployment benefit for another five months because he quit his last job, it has emerged.

The former Prime Minister is scouring the jobs pages of local papers as well as visiting his nearest Jobcentre Plus twice a week to use the sticky-screened computer terminals.

A source close to Cameron said: “They’ll be okay for a few more weeks. They’ve got a full freezer.

Anything after that though and Samantha might have to get a part-time job somewhere, maybe factory stuff or cleaning at a caravan site.

“But if they’re still both out of work and unable to claim dole or housing benny by the winter, they might end up at the food bank or something.”

David Cameron said: “I saw a job going in our local B & Q the other day. It’s only 12 hours a week but it’s something.

“I just hope they don’t ask me why I left my previous job. 

“Might just have to lie and say I say I used to be a gigolo. It will be less embarrassing that way.”