THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you.
A new leak of 12 million documents has confirmed that everyone you know, from your boss to your spouse to your next-door neighbour, is routing their finances through a series of offshore accounts leaving you as the only taxpayer in the world.
Your best friend Joe Turner said: “Yeah, sorry mate. That round I bought Thursday? Leased via my shell companies in the Virgin Islands and written off against defaulted loans from my subsidiary.
“The barman didn’t mind, because he’s paid through a network of limited liability companies based in tax havens administered via a Panamanian law firm linked to dark money from the Ukraine. He gets it.
“But yeah, while you’ve been paying your income tax and your stamp duty and your VAT we’ve all been pissing ourselves. Why don’t you funnel funds via a front company for a Swiss chemical conglomerate when you do a big shop at Tesco, like the rest of us?
“It beggars belief that you didn’t simply commission an offshore wealth management trust to register a trust structure located in Singapore and Samoa when you bought that new fridge. I mean what a f**king mug.
“Keep it up though mate. You’re the only person financing the NHS, the civil service, the armed forces and our tax rebates. You’re doing a great job.”