RAIL firms will charge less for non-existent trains in 2010, offering better value for services their customers don't receive.
Transport minister Lord Adonis hailed the 0.4% price cut, insisting that if the trend continued UK rail travel was now just 250 years away from being worth the money.
He said: "This represents an average monthly saving of 80p which means you can now buy a newspaper to read while waiting for your veal truck with a sandwich trolley to turn up. Which it won't."
Rail operator First Capital welcomed the fare reductions, but warned that certain cutbacks may be inevitable, including fire extinguishers and brakes.
A spokesman said: "If you think, for one second of your worthless lives, that this price cut will go unpunished then you are unbelievably wrong.
"We will hurtle flaming, runaway trains into the Thames, every hour, until season ticket prices are allowed to rise. The ball, it would seem, is in your court."
To recoup costs, station car parking is expected to rise to £28,000 a second allowing Network Rail to confiscate your car as compensation the moment you switch off the engine.
Commuter Roy Hobbs said: "I spend two hours a day with my nostrils filled with piss going to and from a job that has killed my very soul.
"The prospect of jumping out of a burning train halfway across Blackfriars Bridge while saving 80p a month is the best news I've had since my boss was eaten by a shark."