Pay up or the turds start coming out of the taps, say water companies

WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.

Having run out of cheap places to pump your waste, water companies have given you the choice of paying substantially more or being automatically signed up to their new ‘turds-out-of-taps’ scheme.

Privatised water company CEO Norman Steele said: “Nice chrome taps and marble basins you’ve got there. Would be a real shame if something utterly disgusting were to happen to them.

“Look, it’s nothing personal. We’ve got to make a profit and you keep sending solid and liquid blackmail leverage our way every single day. If you were in our position you’d do the same.

“Is a six per cent price hike really so unreasonable when you consider that we leave your house completely piss and shit-free? I don’t think so. If anything you’ve been taking our valuable services for granted for too long.

“Also, we saw how you immediately rolled over and forked out a fortune to gas and electric companies and we want a slice of that action. What are you going to do, go back to using a bedpan? Don’t make me laugh. You’ll kick it over in the morning and that will be horrible.”

Thames Water customer Nikki Hollis said: “Even if I hold my turds in I’ll still be paying more. It’s the shit-standing charge, that’s how they get you.”

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Fanny, growler, minge: What your choice of word for vaginas says about you

THE English language is second to none when it comes to words for minge. So what is your preferred term for vaginas, and what does it say about you? 


A wonderfully traditional name for female genitals, and probably used by the Famous Five. It conjures up images of chintz, fine china and frilly lace curtains, and as such is the vaginal slang of choice for the polite middle-class. Your bourgeois status is assured if you say: ‘I’m a big proponent of wild swimming. It really cools your fanny.’

Front bottom

This term lets everyone know you have no understanding of female anatomy. It also implies a fear of genitals, instead invoking the comforting familiarity of an arse. If you use this phrase you might find yourself saying: ‘She let me see her front bottom, and it was not what I expected.’

Foo foo

A name used exclusively by virgins, the sexually repressed and Dave Grohl. Its childish nature suggests you wish vaginas were an asexual thing like teddy bears, toy poodles or Baby Yodas. Probably used by those nauseating couples who have no sense of embarrassment when it comes to cloying baby talk, eg. ‘Does Mr Wobbly Hat want to visit Foo Foo Land?’

Flower (sometimes ‘precious’)

A favourite of overbearing mothers and grandmothers warning that sexual encounters will ruin a woman’s purity, eg. ‘He took her flower out of wedlock and after that no respectable man wanted her and she died a lonely spinster.’ Not really something to worry about in 2024.

Lady bits

Suggests you feel ill-at-ease dealing with vaginas. It’s almost always accompanied by lowering your voice, scrunching up your face in an embarrassed grimace, and vaguely gesturing toward your genitals, usually while saying something like: ‘I picked up the necessaries from Boots, locked the bathroom door and attended to my (sotto voce) lady bits. Anyway, enough of that, who wants a scone?’


A term favoured by teenage boys and insecure men who want to let everyone know they are getting some. It’s distinctly juvenile so can be used interchangeably with terms like twat, sausage wallet and muff. Often accompanied by a snigger, a clinking of bottles and a chorus of ‘Oi oi!. Typical use in a sentence: ‘I was fingering Kayleigh Carter’s minge behind the sports hall, but then I woke up.’


Often used to describe an older, hairy or butch vagina. An odd one that makes you sound like a member of a female biker gang or some grizzled old bloke reminiscing about depressing sexual conquests of the 80s: ‘Her growler was a right mess. It was like poking Gerry Adams’ beard.’


A versatile term which can sound edgy and cool (as with Pussy Riot), be used as an insult for someone pathetic, or simply mean a cat. It’s a favourite of lesbian punk rockers, American presidents and rappers, to the extent that nowadays you’re less likely to hear someone saying ‘Here pussy pussy pussy!’ than ‘I’m going to put a cap in your pussy ass’.


A visceral description for a vagina, disturbingly also referring to a wound. Its general horridness means its use is largely restricted to Sid the Sexist-type blokes, eg. ‘The Spoons by the station is heaving with gash most Fridays.’