Postmen leaving increasingly passive-aggressive notes

ROYAL Mail ‘while you were out’ notes are developing a snide undercurrent, it has emerged.

The ubiquitous red card rectangles that are thrust through your letterbox if you take over a nanosecond to reach the door have had their text rewritten to say subtly resentful messages like ‘sorry you were out and missed your extremely heavy package’.

Postman Stephen Malley said: “In case you hadn’t suspected, we really fucking hate lumping around all that shit you buy on the internet.

“Unfortunately, we are contractually obliged to make a token effort at delivery. After which you will be forced to drive to the nearest postal depot, which is usually on a remote rocky outcrop four counties away and only open during an obscure time period called ‘the hour of the beasts’, to get your shitty Vince Vaughn DVDs.

“But you need to know, we don’t like you or your parcels one little bit.”

Housewife Emma Bradford, from Hatfield,  said: “Given the superhuman speed with which our postman can put a bit of card telling me I’m out through my letterbox and vanish, I’ve become increasingly obsessed with the idea that he’s some kind of mystic who learned to teleport at a Shaolin monastery.

“Yesterday there was no knock at the door, followed by the insertion of a red note reading, ‘I appear to have missed you. I’d try again later, but I’m really tired actually.’

“I opened the door before it hit the carpet. Nothing.”

Postman Roy Hobbs said: “I was actually on her porch roof. I have springs attached to my Doc Martens. Not that you care.”

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Britain wakes up to find hospitals missing

BRITAIN’S hospitals have been replaced by massive holes in the ground, it has emerged.

As the country was being distracted by the unfunniest display by a standup comedian since ITV’s Show Me The Funny 24 hours earlier, eyewitnesses reported A&E departments up and down the country being bundled into the backs of vans.

Nikki Hollis, who used to live opposite Carlisle General Hospital, said: “I looked out of my window, which faced the paediatrics ward, and I could see these blokes in overalls measuring it up and working out the best place for the Charlie Brooks Kriotherapy Centre.

“The next thing I knew it was being loaded onto a flatbed truck and driven off. I called the police but they said they were busy watching BBC News 24.”

Thousands of bewildered patients are currently wandering near the new craters carrying their grapes and get-well-soon cards in carrier bags looking for somebody to change their IV drips.

Health minister Simon Burns said: “This is about introducing choice. We want communities up and down the country to be able to choose whether the crater becomes a beauty spa that they can’t afford or a golf course that they can’t afford.”

Roy Hobbs, a 53-year-old taxi driver recovering from a hernia operation, said: “I must admit that the crater is less crowded, the food’s better and I’m not as worried about catching MRSA.

“I had been wondering who was going to remove my stitches but then I noticed  a jagged piece of pipe where the toilets used to be so I’ll probably just rub them against that until they pop.”