Queue outside Games Workshop reaches two meters

QUEUES outside branches of Games Workshop have reached the two-metre mark as pairs of desperate gamers wait to get inside. 

Since the wargaming shops reopened last week, an unprecedented footfall of pubescent loners has left shops feeling as besieged as a Space Marine Fortress-Monastery.

Manager Tom Logan said: “We usually only let one in at a time. Not because of the coronavirus, just because we’re not that popular.

“But look at them. You can tell by their hunched shoulders they’re desperate to stock up on Ork Stompas and Nurgling Green paint. I bet they’ve already counted out their birthday money in anticipation.

“And while tabletop wargamers are usually sticklers for measurements, social distancing will go out the window the second I open that door.

“I’m poised to call the police if things get ugly. It looks like they’ve both got their eyes on the limited edition Lumineth Realm-lords Army set and it’ll take a braver man than me to maintain order.”

Jack Browne, aged 14, said: “I don’t even know what a Warhammer is. Mum dropped me off outside with twenty quid. I saw her going into Ann Summers.”

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Should I let a working class person into my social bubble?

WORRIED about lowering the tone of your social bubble? Waitrose shopper Charlotte Phelps explains how to get the perfect mix: 

Why on earth would I consider granting access to a blue-collar person?

They might be the partner of a friend who’s had to settle, or you may need something from them such as manual labour, or maybe even sex if you’re a daft posh bint who takes Lady Chatterley’s Lover at face value.

What do I talk to them about?

Football, Ford Transit vans, spanners. Having their nails done if female. You could try interesting them in Rachmaninoff and Anthony Powell but to be honest you’ll probably have more joy with your labrador.

What are the risks?

Poor hygiene and fighting, obviously. All working class people have a pub fight on Friday or Saturday night, especially the women. You may also need to cover your children’s ears as all plebeians swear like navvies – which many of them are – in inappropriate situations, ie ‘That were a shitting excellent f**ker of a sermon, vicar.’

Will I have to change my own behaviour?

Yes. A working class person will be bemused by silverware, so keep a box of plastic chip forks on hand. They will also probably want to watch EastEnders instead of Fleabag again, but modern TV-on-demand means you can both get your fill of total crap.

What are the benefits, if there are any?

All working class people have an innate knowledge of farming, so you can get your vegetable garden planted when you send them outside to smoke. If you choose a good one, like when you went to the cat shelter and got Persephone, they may even be able to supply cocaine for dinner parties.