TRAIN fare hikes are vital if rail executives are to double the size of their humongous homes by 2015, it was claimed last night.
The announcement of ‘above inflation’ fare rises has left many commuters pondering whether they might soon have to sell their spleen on Ebay to fund the daily joy of standing up in a greasy metal box packed with angry armpits.
But train company executive Roy Hobbs said “There’s extensive, vital re-organizational work that needs to take place on my 84-bedroom detached Hertfordshire home to make it super lovely.
“The key infrastructural priority is to provide a 50-person hot tub on the balcony of the master bedroom. In the medium term, we’re also looking at constructing a 1920s-style music hall in the basement with full-time bawdy match girls and an organ grinder with waistcoated monkey at the entrance.
“Without these absolutely integral improvements my house is unlikely to be fit for purpose, but sadly they won’t be possible without more of your money.
“After a lengthy consultation with passenger groups, I’ve written the number ‘9’ on a piece of paper followed by as many zeroes as I could manage before my biro ran out. That should do for now.”
He added: “We would like to thank all of our customers for their compliance in this unlubricated violation and to remind them that there’s always a buffet car in coach F if they have any money left to spend on daringly overpriced cookies.”
Commuter Nikki Hollis said: “The worst thing is that it’s making me think Bob ‘the communist Sontaran’ Crow might actually be right about something from time to time.
“Next thing I’ll be fantasising about licking paté off his big domed head.”