Recession To Be Susan Boyle-Shaped

THE recession is likely to be the shape of quirky Scottish songstress Susan Boyle lying on her back, experts said last night.

A leading economic forecaster said Britain could expect to see positive growth by the middle of next year unless Boyle decides to lose a bit of weight and get herself all glammed-up.

Tom Logan, of the Ernst and Young Item Club, said: "If you imagine looking at Susan side-on while she's lying flat on her back, the worst part is the sharp descent from the tip of her big toe to the bottom of her shin.

"The rest of 2009 will follow the line of her lower leg, kneecap and thigh, then things should start to pick up a bit by the end of the year as we move up, over and beyond her 'private area'.

"By mid-2010 we should have scaled her chunky midriff and be exploring the lower regions of her fulsome and apparently untouched breasts. Then it's all a bit up and down as we negotiate her chin, mouth and nose."

He added: "We can't make any accurate predictions for 2011 until we know what she's going to do with her hair."

The Treasury dismissed the Ernst and Young Susan Boyle-o-graph, insisting the recession will be the shape of an upturned Walnut Whip or, at worst, a banana stapled to a melon.

Meanwhile pressure groups have insisted the shape of the recession must be used to highlight important environmental, human rights and health issues.

The WWF has called for the recession to be the shape of an endangered Tibetan Yak, while anti-smoking group ASH said millions of people will die unless the recession is the shape of a small child holding a crayon like a cigarette.

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Artificial Intelligence Now Equal To Premier League Footballer

SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.

Unveiling the 'Blue Brain' computer, researchers said that while they were still decades away from a fully human level of intelligence, the latest model was able to argue outside a nightclub and promise to give 110% for the gaffer.

Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said: "As soon as we switched it on it immediately insisted on listening to an R&B compilation and dressing like a tit.

"So while there is sufficient self-awareness to issue demands, it's not developed enough to realise that Akon is not actually music.

"Nevertheless it is a significant step forward even though to the layman it appears to be as thick as a bucket of dung."

Although current supercomputer brains are limited by processor conductivity and having to restart every time it's updated by Windows, Brubaker said: "Advances in miniaturisation could one day lead to your mobile phone refusing to communicate with your gobshite friends."

He added: "We're also working on a robotic module to carry the artificial brain, but our best effort so far does look a bit like Prince Charles trying to dance."

Other practical applications include the replacement of workers in repetitive jobs that require a minimum of concentration, leading to the scientific Holy Grail of tube drivers who are not greedy bastards.