Royal Mail launches letter-burying service

THE Royal Mail is offering to bury the heap of marketing bullshit it would otherwise put through your letterbox.

The new service was inspired by a postman who was found to have buried 30,000 letters in his back garden.

A Royal Mail spokesman said: “For a small weekly fee, we’ll simply filter out the packages and chuck everything else into a massive hole.

“Let’s be honest – apart from Amazon and eBay stuff, everything we deliver to you is about loans or broadband.

“We’ve been keeping quiet about this, but the last proper letter was a piece of fan mail sent to Charles Dickens containing a garter belt.

“The things you’ve bought off the internet will be delivered as per normal.  By which I mean we’ll put a ‘sorry you were out’ card through your letterbox without even knocking so that you have to drive to a sorting office in Hertfordshire.”

36-year-old householder Nathan Muir said: “The only post I get is kebab shop menus.

“Someone needs to tell kebab shop owners that it is no longer necessary to list their products as they are already etched into England’s collective psyche.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Milky Bars are actually Horsey Bars, says Nestle

THE Milky Bar Kid should, in all honesty, be played by a horse, Nestle has admitted.

The confectionary conglomerate said most of the milk that goes into its popular white chocolate bar is medium-quality horse milk.

A spokesman said: “We just use the one horse. It’s quite a big one. I’m not sure we ever actually claimed it came out of a cow.

“Anyway, the new adverts will feature a cartoon horse dressed as a cowboy, assuring some happy children that they are not inadvertently consuming equine antibiotics.”