Sentimental bread advert made by people on cocaine

A TOUCHING, big-hearted bread advert was made by a group of arrogant cocaine users, it has emerged.

The sentimental television advertisement for ‘Granny’s Loaf’ features a montage of cloying imagery including a husband bringing his sleeping wife a ‘bacon butty’ and a child with a grazed knee being handed some toast, set to mawkish folk music. It ends with the slogan ‘Bread brings us all together’.

But despite the cloying message that heavily-processed bread somehow inspires kindness, everyone involved in its production is an egotistical cocaine user.

Advertising executive Stephen Malley said: “Granny’s Loaf is all about love, sharing and those special, priceless moments that happen when people eat some bread.

“Now where’s the gak? I’m going to do shitloads and get it smeared all over my sweaty face.”

Creative director Emma Bradford said: “We’ve got Bernard Cribbins coming in to do the voiceover at 4pm, and more cocaine arriving at 5pm.

“There really is nothing as comforting as a tasty home-made sandwich at the end of a long day. Except perhaps a massive line of beak.”

Consumer Nikki Hollis, who watched a rough-cut version of the bread advert, said: “Must…buy…bread.”



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GCSEs to be replaced by Diploma in Mind-Bending Monotony

BUSINESS leaders have praised a new qualification that prepares students for a lifetime of servile drudgery.

The new Diploma in Mind-Bending Monotony, which will replace the GCSE, prepares young people for the transition from the banal tedium of school to the banal tedium of work.

Modules include Dream Abandonment, Petty Workplace Politics and Dealing With Mug Theft.

CBI chief Sir Roy Hobbs said: “Too many young people enter the workplace without a basic understanding of the soulless hamster-wheel of modern business.

“By crushing their spirits at school, they’re going to be much happier spending all day entering data or stirring vats of chicken sludge.”

Education secretary Michael Gove said: “The qualification is just as applicable to bright children who think they’re going to be a famous author or TV intellectual, which is why we’ve included the module You’re Not Going To Be Will Self, You’re Going To Be An Office Administrator.”

“Lots of kids have told me, ‘Thank you Mr Gove for switching me on to these groovy spreadsheets.’”

Student Nikki Hollis, 14, who is studying for the diploma, said: “I like it. If I get all the boxes stacked neatly my teacher gives me money to go to the pub.

“I’m not even sure if I’m still at school.”

Ministers said the said the diploma was already easing pressure on the job market, partly due to a 36% suicide rate among students.