STUDENT loans have been sold to an extremely hard bastard who hates students and is into cage fighting.
All student loans now belong to ‘debt reclamation professional’ Roy Hobbs, known on the cage fighting circuit as ‘Brute Force’.
Universities minister Jo Johnson said: “I’m sure Roy will act with professionalism and courtesy at all times and his description of students as ‘scrounging la-di-da bastard scum’ was just a joke.
“No one should feel under pressure over student debt, but on the other hand having your legs broken might be just the extra motivation you need to find a well-paid graduate job.”
Hobbs said: “It’s well known that all students are posh and rich, so if they don’t pay up they are ‘disrespecting’ me and deserve a kicking.”
Recent graduate Julian Cooke said: “When Roy kicked my parents’ door in I explained I was entitled to deferred payment, but he just called me a ‘slag’ and threw me through a window.
“Apparently I’m dead if I don’t come up with £40,000 by this afternoon, which is difficult because I’m only doing unpaid work experience to try and break into journalism.”