Student loans sold to hard bastard who hates students

STUDENT loans have been sold to an extremely hard bastard who hates students and is into cage fighting.  

All student loans now belong to ‘debt reclamation professional’ Roy Hobbs, known on the cage fighting circuit as ‘Brute Force’.

Universities minister Jo Johnson said: “I’m sure Roy will act with professionalism and courtesy at all times and his description of students as ‘scrounging la-di-da bastard scum’ was just a joke.

“No one should feel under pressure over student debt, but on the other hand having your legs broken might be just the extra motivation you need to find a well-paid graduate job.”

Hobbs said: “It’s well known that all students are posh and rich, so if they don’t pay up they are ‘disrespecting’ me and deserve a kicking.

Recent graduate Julian Cooke said: “When Roy kicked my parents’ door in I explained I was entitled to deferred payment, but he just called me a ‘slag’ and threw me through a window.

“Apparently I’m dead if I don’t come up with £40,000 by this afternoon, which is difficult because I’m only doing unpaid work experience to try and break into journalism.”

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Child bends time to make minutes seem like years

A CHILD spent so long fucking about putting on his shoes that his parents aged by seven years, it has emerged.

Three-year-old Tom Booker was told that the family would be leaving the house in ten minutes but was still filling the washing machine with Lego 22 minutes later.

Tom’s mother Emma said: “I asked Tom to fetch his shoes and he disappeared for ages before returning with three plastic dinosaurs and the toilet brush.

“I asked him again and he lay down on the floor and began shrieking as if I was trying to murder him rather than take him to soft play like he’d been begging me to do literally an hour before.

“Eventually I went and got the shoes for him. He put them on his hands and banged them together for ages and then stared dolefully at me and whispered ‘mummy do it’ over and over again until I got creeped out and gave in.

“Although it was really only a few minutes, the whole process seemed to take the best part of a decade and weirdly I now look noticeably older. It could be stress or maybe he is a mutant with time-warping superpowers.”

Booker’s father John added: “And his shoes fasten with velcro which should be quick, for fuck’s sake.”