Desperate TSB customers using a barter system to pay for food

TSB CUSTOMERS are now using a barter system to pay for rent and food, they have confirmed. 

Unable to access their money in weeks and no longer understanding the concept, TSB account holders are trading personal possessions, sex and items they have found for necessities. 

Tom Logan of Durham said: “You do well at the corner shops. They get it. I’ve got a year’s supply of fresh bread for a PS4 Pro, which is a solid deal. 

“But Sainsbury’s don’t want to know when you truck in a load of scrap metal to exchange for the big shop, and my promise of fealty in war in return for gas and electric has been rudely ignored by Eon. 

“But TSB is gone, my savings vanished like a dream, and if I try to log on I just get a screen saying ‘The hunter-gatherer bank’. 

“Oh yeah, and that thing about restaurants making you do the dishes if you can’t pay for your meal? That doesn’t happen. They just shout at you.” 

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Man would tell everyone how bored of royal wedding he is if only they'd bring it up

A MAN is ready and waiting to share his supreme boredom at the forthcoming royal wedding as soon as it comes up. 

IT manager Nathan Muir will not be paying attention to the wedding of Harry and Meghan in any way, not that his colleagues know that because they keep talking about Who Wants To Be A Millionaire instead. 

He said: “You can’t get less interested in the wedding than me. Literally meh. 

“I’ve actually booked May 19th, which is the date, off to avoid it though Marie who does the diary acted like she didn’t know full well why, probably because she’s an ardent royalist. 

“I mean I am ready to scoff the second they start. I’ll yawn and say ‘Sorry, is this someone we know? Then why are we talking about them?’ 

“Then when they start defending themselves I’ll say ‘Man and woman get married, big whoop,’ put them in their place. When it comes up. Which it will soon, probably.” 

Colleague Susan Traherne said: “You know who I like? Harry. Harry Styles.”