UK economy running as mysteriously as a 1993 Vauxhall Nova

INFLATION has dropped because Britain’s economy is running with the same fingers-crossed uncertainty as a Vauxhall Nova with 200,000 miles on the clock.  

The Bank of England has confirmed that the UK economy is still running fine, that Christ alone knows how, and that nobody is allowed to mess with it.

Chairman Mark Carney said: “You know those cars where if you wind the window down, the radio suddenly comes on? That’s us right now.

“There is no way on earth inflation should have come down. Maybe there’s a short-circuit between that and the exchange rate. Maybe it just does it on its own now.

“Seriously it’s a miracle something this ancient and patched-together works at all. I’m afraid to look closely in case I disturb the magic elves and it suddenly collapses into a pile of rust and bright orange paint.”

He added: “Still, with the money we’ve saved running this thing on the cheap for so many years, I’ll bet there’s loads saved up to get a really nice new one.”

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Member of liberal elite struggling to pay rent again

A MEMBER of London’s fancy, stuck-up liberal elite is unable to afford his rent, it has emerged.

29-year-old Tom Logan, who has a smarty-pants media job selling books and DVDs behind the counter at a shop, is behind with rent on his shared flat in Catford.

Snooty Logan, who believes in gay marriage, salads and watches television on ‘the internet’, said: “I hoped that being in the metropolitan liberal elite would give me access to the network of socialist-hypocrite millionaire actors who sneer at the honest working man.

“Sadly though Judi Dench has not been on the phone offering me her spare room while I get my shit together.

“I haven’t even had a tenner from Mark Rylance, and he’s definitely loaded after The BFG.”

Namby-pamby tosser Logan, who reads for fun and likes avocados, said: “I’ve just been getting more into debt each month because the landlord, a salt-of-the-earth hard-working builder, has nearly doubled the rent lately.

“I thought this country was supposed to be too much of a radical leftist utopia for that sort of thing to happen, but apparently not.”

He added: “This is all my fault for being such a jumped-up tosser.”