We are cruising at 36,000ft and I hate these bastards even more than you do, announces Ryanair pilot

THE pilot of a Ryanair flight has announced that the plane is cruising at 36,000ft, that skies are clear all the way to Madrid, and that he hates his employer more than you ever could. 

Captain Tom Logan assured passengers that their flight would arrive on time, that however badly they felt treated by the airline it was nothing compared to how he had suffered, and that as soon as they hit the runway he was quitting.

Passenger Margaret Gerving said: “It was so reassuring.

“Just as I, and all the other passengers, were feeling panicky about our mounting fury, he calmed us all down by revealing the depth of the loathing in his own heart.

“His empathy was so charming, and then he gave us several new ways to despise the airline, a full rundown of compensation procedures and the home phone numbers of the board of directors.

“He even let some kids up to the cockpit, where he showed them the controls and demonstrated exactly how the company’s bonus offer was utter bullshit nobody would ever receive.”

Following the pilot’s speech, the cabin crew stood in the aisle for a short demonstration of exactly how Ryanair could go and fuck itself.