What to do if you've been shafted by Brexit, by a Brexiter

FISHERMEN, hauliers and other businesses are struggling to cope with Brexit. Here Leave voter Roy Hobbs offers his common sense advice to affected industries.


It’s pathetic to hear salty old sea dogs whining ‘We can’t sell this, we can’t sell that’. You’ve got a boat, so get a harpoon gun and some old plastic barrels – dirt cheap, I’d imagine – and get out there hunting sharks. The guy in Jaws made a living from it.

It’s not like anyone eats much fish anyway, apart from fish fingers, and I prefer sausages. You’d probably make more money renting your trawler out to other people – stick a tent on the back and it’d be perfect for a family boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads, while you sit at home counting the cash.


Sure, you’re stuck in lorry queues, but use the spare time to make money. Keep a laptop in your cab and make a fortune from Bitcoin or create a lucrative internet start-up. When you’re running your own Facebook, you can pay someone else to drive the lorry for you. 

And don’t give me all this rubbish about getting your sandwiches confiscated. I saw a documentary about drug smugglers hiding great big bags of cocaine in their vehicles, so there’s no reason you can’t make a secret compartment for a tiny little ham sandwich. 

Small businesses

Apparently you’re being hit by higher shipping costs and mountains of paperwork. So make something you won’t need to import components for, like wooden stools. There’s loads of trees in Britain. I can see one out of my window right now. 

Better still, why not team up with one of these snowflake fishermen, load their trawler with your products and set off to foreign lands? You can sell directly to the locals and avoid red tape completely. It’s all so obvious to me. I can see why all the smart people voted for Brexit.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'You've spent too long on the toilet': Six texts that prove your relationship has gone stale

THE romance in any relationship can’t last forever. Here are six texts you might receive – or send – that prove it beyond all reasonable doubt.

‘You’ve spent too long on the toilet’

A few minutes sitting on the toilet can be a beautiful escape. A time to gather your thoughts, check your phone and dream of a better life. But spend more than 10 minutes in there and you’ll get a text hassling you to come and do some chores. And for God’s sake put the seat down.

‘Baby asleep’

This is code for ‘be f**king quiet’. You immediately switch to your default mode of walking around your home as if it’s littered with landmines. If you move between rooms, you’d better pray you read the text from yesterday ‘Can you WD40 all the creaky door hinges?’.

‘The chilli is in the slow cooker’

It used to be all saucy text messages and raunchy pictures. That was the honeymoon period. Now you get a purely functional account of this evening’s food or passive-aggressive questions about whether you used the last tin of kidney beans.

‘Can you stop leaving pubes in the shower?’

One of the cliches about relationships is that people aren’t trying to ‘change’ each other. This is a lie, and once you’ve been together a while expect texts from your loved one shaming you for things like being so inconsiderate as to have body hair. 

‘Buy bin liners, cat litter and milk’

No ‘hello’, no ‘how are you’ and definitely no ‘I love you snugglebum’ – just a cold and concise list of items to get on your way home. All pretences have been dropped, you must simply do as you’re told. Rubbish bags, cat defecation products and boring foodstuffs – this is your life now.

‘Turn the TV down a bit’

Forget nights of passion. Now, one of you goes to bed at 9pm while the other stays up and watches more telly. Cue texts from upstairs complaining the TV is too loud. Really you should try to put the sexual spark back in your relationship, but instead you’ll just watch GoldenEye for the fifth time.