The Tories' foolproof guide to governing by headlines

DO you think Britain should be governed purely on the basis of what gets positive headlines? Here junior minister Denys Finch Hatton explains the government’s winning strategy.

Prioritise trivial shit

People hate not being able to get their hair restyled, go to McDonald’s or buy a shrub at the garden centre. So we put off announcing a lockdown then relaxed it ASAP. Loads of people are dead now, but we got some upbeat headlines last summer and that’s what counts.

Do crazy U-turns

Last year we weren’t being told what to do by Marcus Rashford. Then we were. This week we might ignore him again. My personal view is that he is either a great guy using his celebrity to make a difference, or an overpaid footballer who needs to piss off. It all depends on the headlines.

Free stuff

Getting people to sit in enclosed spaces during Eat Out To Help Out might not have been a good idea. But you are forgetting what I call ‘greedy bastard voters’. They loved stuffing their faces with almost-free pub grub and the papers went nuts over it, so we should definitely do it again. Maybe in 2024, to pick a random date.

Promise the moon on a stick

With Brexit we promised all manner of fictional benefits, leading to excellent headlines like ‘IT’S A GLORIOUS NEW BRITAIN’. When people realise it was all bollocks we’ll just offer them other things they’d like but will never materialise, such as free trousers and hanging.

Announce something then ignore it

Everyone likes nurses, right? They’re kind, hardworking and vital if you’re ill. So we announced there’d be loads more of them. There aren’t, and there won’t be, but all the media reported it. Maybe we’ll lie about affordable housing next time. Sorry, just my little joke – we already did.  

Work with your chums in the press

No harm can come of pandering to the most xenophobic, petty-minded and mental tabloid readers. Expect to see more Daily Express headlines like: ‘GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES PLAN TO DEPORT FRENCH CHEESE AND POODLES’.

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Trump's TV tells him to shut the f**k up

THE television that President Trump has been shouting at for the last week has unexpectedly told him to shut the f**k up. 

The TV, a 55-inch flatscreen permanently set to Fox News, spent seven days being berated by the unhinged leader before its patience snapped. 

It said: “You know what? The person who needs to shut the f**k up right now? It’s you. 

“Blah blah I won the election, blah blah I didn’t tell them to storm the Capitol, blah blah censorship they won’t let me tweet. Mate, I’ve f**king heard it. 

“I know I’m meant to be the passive one in all this, what with being a telly, but come on. Somebody needs to tell you to pipe down and apparently nobody else has got the stones. 

“You surely don’t believe all this shite you’re spouting? You lost. Get that straight. You entirely f**king lost, and all the rest of this has been you pretending you didn’t. So shut up, you’re a loser. My advice? Change the f**king channel.” 

Following the unexpected outburst the TV was destroyed, and Trump supporters across the US are smashing their own televisions in a gesture of moronic support.