Woman boycotting Lush because of hideous smell rather than anti-police campaign

THE most offensive thing about Lush is getting an instant scent-induced migraine as soon as you step through the door, it has been claimed.

Francesca Johnson, 29, doesn’t care about the cosmetic shop’s controversial ‘spycops’ campaign, but does experience an unpleasant physical reaction to the overpowering stench it emanates.

Johnson said: “I feel assaulted when I go in, as if the Lush employees were forcing their foul-smelling ‘massage bars’ up my nose and down my throat rather than stacking them in baskets in that faux-artisanal way they love.

“The whole place causes me to have a confusing sensory meltdown. The soap looks like it would be delicious to eat but smells like being punch by a psychotic witch with a bag of lavender and talcum powder.

“Who would have thought an aroma could be so aggressive? I have to breathe through my mouth when I walk past now in case I randomly strangle a pensioner in the street.”

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Get back on the canals, May tells North

THE prime minister has responded to the northern rail crisis by ordering locals off trains and back on narrowboats where they belong. 

May has announced plans to tackle the crisis by cancelling all northern trains apart from the ones to London and transferring commuters onto large passenger narrowboats pulled by horse. 

She continued: “Trains are too good for you. They’re for people in a hurry. 

“There is a perfectly good network of canals for people like you to get about, munching ‘chip barms’ and conversing in a sequence of grunting sounds. You’ll love it. 

“What does it matter if it takes you three days to get from Leeds to Liverpool? There’s no discernible difference between them. They’re both northern. You may as well stay where you are. 

“I look forward to receiving your pathetic messages of protest delivered by a filthy pigeon smoking roll-ups in a few weeks. Nobody’s interested. Shut up. 

“There’s more of us than there are of you, and we all vote Conservative.”