Worker competence down 80 per cent since Thursday

EVERYONE in Britain is now unable to do the thing they are paid to do after a four-day weekend.

Millions of workers returned to their jobs minus the few skills they possessed before the impossibly lengthy Easter break.

Donna Sheridan, from Chester, said: “My job is to sell windows to people.

“I know how to get to my office thanks to muscle memory, and I recognise the people there, but that’s the end of it. I’ll just see if there’s a training manual on this little table, I think they call it a ‘desk’.”

Tom Logan, from Redbridge, said: “It says on these business cards that I’m a quantity surveyor. But it was twenty years ago that I went to quantity surveying school, so the repetition of a solid five-day working week was my brain’s final slender link with its academic past.

“I think I’ll just survey the quantity of crisps in this packet while I get warmed up.”

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BBC to use working class actors by 2026

THE BBC has unveiled an ambitious timetable to begin using actors who did not go to public school.

By 2026 the corporation wants at least a third of its quality dramas to feature at least one leading actor who grew up eating ‘tea’ instead of ‘supper’.

BBC producer Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve tried getting the ‘Toms’ to pronounce their names as ‘iddlestone and ‘ollander, but it sounded like they had acid reflux.

“Hugh Laurie tried a Geordie accent, but anyone who’s heard his American accent in House can guess how that turned out.”

Hollis added: “The closest we could possibly get right now is Sacha Baron Cohen. He went to Haberdashers’ Aske’s and Cambridge, but can sound like scum given the right part.”

Oxbridge-educated writers will spend time in housing estates and the north so they can represent the poor accurately in scripts that will be dubbed as ‘gritty’.

Hollis said: “I have a friend who met Kathy Burke once, so I’ve always been committed to the cause.”