Zuckerberg flings handful of change at taxman

MARK Zuckerberg has thrown his pocket change at UK tax authorities and is watching them pitifully scrabble for it. 

The Facebook boss, worth an estimated $35 billion, is slowly shaking his head while watching uniformed officials chase after the rolling coins.

He said: “Sorry, when you said tax, I was worried you might mean… well, I don’t suppose it matters.

“So you think this is fair, and I can go? This is fine? Yeah, I mean I had nothing once, but I always had dreams.

“There’s an actual banknote here, by my shoe. Here, look. No, don’t lick the shoe. I didn’t mean you had to… whatever. Okay. Do a good job.”

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Mothers wondering what half-arsed effort they'll get on Sunday

MOTHERS cannot wait to find out what cheap, lazy attempt at thanks they will receive from their children on Sunday. 

Mums across the UK have their fingers crossed in the hope of a card, supermarket flowers or a pub meal in return for sacrificing 20 years of their lives.

Mary Fisher of Stourbridge said: “Both my boys are grown up now, so I’m confident they’ll surprise me with a lovely late phone call.

“Knowing them as they do, they’ll both claim that they tried to send flowers but the flower place had run out, then end the call within 10 minutes because they want to watch Netflix.

Joanna Kramer agreed: “My daughter Lucy is nine, and I know that all week she’s been half-heartedly gluing shells to a lunchbox because school have made her.

“She’ll tell me I can keep my jewellery in it and then be straight on Minecraft while I make her breakfast.”

Kramer added: “Shit, I really should have got something for my mum. Those nasty-looking chilli chocolates left over from Christmas will do.

“She can have them on Tuesday. I’m not making a special trip.”