10 celebrity fantasy shags that make you deep and interesting

TIRED of people drooling over predictable hotties like Margot Robbie or Timothée Chalamet? Impress them with these shaggable celebrities who suggest you’re an erudite free-thinker.

Cobie Smulders

Everyone fancies Scarlett Johansson or Chris Hemsworth, but what about Cobie Smulders as S.H.I.E.L.D agent Maria Hill? Okay, she’s not the most crucial Marvel character, but she puts in the hours on the helicarrier. By fancying her you’re standing up for the little guy, although in this case the little guy is an extremely attractive actress in a skintight jumpsuit.


Superman is quite boring, but there’s always his psychopathic alternative version Homelander (Antony Starr) from Amazon’s phenomenally violent superhero series The Boys. Okay, he deliberately burnt his lover/mother substitute to death with his laser vision, but he realises he has emotional issues due to being grown in a laboratory. Ideal for women who like talking about feelings. 

Naomi Wolf

Feminists don’t get more shaggable than Naomi in the 90s. You’ll definitely earn a few right-on points for fancying the smokin’ hot author of The Beauty Myth. Just don’t mention that you preferred her when she was younger and slimmer.

Taylor Swift the Cat 

The acceptable face of bestiality. Men who fancy Taylor Swift are ten a penny, but you need to be extremely broadminded, even pansexual, to get past the Cats version with whiskers and furry breasts. Not to mention the disturbing/arousing mental image of Ms Swift licking her own arse. Sadly not everyone is as liberal as you, so you might want to point out this fantasy is specifically in relation to Taylor Swift, and you don’t go around molesting local cats.

Vislor Turlough 

Doctor Who fans are quick to profess their love for Leela, Amy Pond, Rory, ‘Hot Master’ Sacha Dhawan, Romanas 1 and 2, etc., but what about Turlough? Good-looking and a more interesting companion than usual, secretly being an ensign in the Trion space navy and commanded by the Black Guardian. More importantly, if you’ve got the faintest idea what any of that means, you almost certainly hang out with sad bastard ‘Whovians’ who’ll be impressed by that sort of thing.


Further to the previous fantasy shag, the most overlooked Doctor Who companion has to be Nyssa, who is attractive, intelligent, cutely dressed as some sort of Victorian pixie, and has the rare distinction of once being trapped in a mathematical equation, which beats your real girlfriend telling you about the photocopier being broken at work.

Dr Reed Richards 

It’s cool to be attracted to men with brains – in theory. Unfortunately the pinnacle of male attractiveness in the scientific community is Brian Cox, so you’re better off with the Fantastic Four’s Dr Reed Richards, whose various incarnations tend to be good-looking. Also he can change the size and shape of his body parts, which has interesting possibilities. Like not having to get out of bed for a 2am piss.

Rebecca Ferguson

It’s Timothée Chalamet this, Timothée Chalamet that with Dune, but there are plenty of other cuties on the desert planet of Arrakis, not least Oscar Isaac and Rebecca Ferguson as Lady Jessica. She’s a powerful Bene Gesserit witch so she could mind-control you whenever she felt like it, eg. when it’s her turn to load the dishwasher, so she’s probably not for drippy blokes who aren’t comfortable with assertive women.


You don’t have to be painfully woke to realise going out with James Bond would be a bloody mare, what with the STDs and, in Daniel Craig’s case, being a black hole of misery sucking the joy out of everything and moaning about every little middle-aged ache and pain. So why waste your time when there’s M in the form of handsome Ralph Fiennes? Sure, he’s never the one chasing SPECTRE agents, but he does look as though he knows his way around a posh restaurant menu, which would be much more useful in a boyfriend role.

Scarlet Witch

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness must be the only film predicated on the idea of the villain just wanting to look after kids. As such, it’s hard not to side with Scarlet Witch, who just needs a hug and the number of an adoption agency. Also she looks like Elizabeth Olsen, so you could easily put up with her slightly annoying habit of turning reality into Bewitched.

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Sibling needing a kidney should have thought of that when they pinched your Wotsits in year two

A MAN asked to donate a kidney to his seriously ill sibling feels it is extremely cheeky due to his brother’s poor record of sharing during childhood.

Jack Browne is shocked that his brother Ryan assumed he would selflessly donate the vital organ, when that same brother had yet to apologise for pinching a packet of eagerly-anticipated crisps when they were at school.

Browne said: “It’s not fair that I should have to give him something for free when historically he has taken so much from me, like cheese-flavoured corn puffs. 

“There’s also my power ball, which he lost, a Marathon I was looking forward to later, and the rare Pokémon card he traded without my permission. I’m owed a lifetime of reparations and he wants a whole kidney? F**k off.

“He seems to think we’re even these days because he buys me expensive birthday presents and we’re ‘adults’. But I’ve been keeping count. He still has 268 minor slights to atone for plus the fact that I got a substantially smaller piece of cake at our mum’s birthday gathering.

“I don’t believe he really needs the kidney anyway. He said he was ‘dying’ when I bit him in 1997, so he’s probably just trying to make me look bad for not helping him.”

Ryan Browne said: “Muuuum! Make Jack share his kidneys!”