OVERWEIGHT, wheezing men in pubs expect only the highest standards of beauty from celebrity women. Regretfully, they have noted the following flaws:
Aimee Lou Wood: prominent teeth
Steve, who drinks six Guinnesses a night, harshly but fairly pointed out the White Lotus star looks a bit like a sexy rabbit, so for him it’s a no-go. Is he talking shit, and would be instantly smitten if she walked in now? No way mate, he says, banking on her never popping into The Corner Bar in Crewe.
Keira Knightley: flat-chested
Not to be outdone, Stuart points out over his fifth Stella that Ms Knightley is an A-cup and that rules her out as he’s a boob man. Poor Keira will never woo this 47-year-old IT support guy, who knows what he’s talking about because he’s got quite a pair of breasts of his own.
Heather Graham: too old
At 55, Heather Graham is just too old, according to Mike, who’s out of breath when coming back from the Gents. Some argue she isn’t the best example of an elderly star due to only being 55 and notably hot. But Mike won’t be dating any successful Hollywood actresses over the age of 40 and Heather has to respect that choice.
Noomi Rapace: Prometheus wasn’t very good
Noomi needs to take a long hard look at herself, because as well as not being Sigourney Weaver Alien prequel Prometheus, which she neither wrote nor directed, was shite. It seems a relationship with sci-fi fans like Jamie is out until it’s remade with multiple elements changed, such as the stupid squid alien. ‘She owes it to her fans,’ he says.
Christina Hendricks: bit porky
Ms Hendricks has always sported a fuller figure than most stars in that she has huge boobs. That doesn’t impress Gavin, king of the fruit machine. His own weight, and every sexual partner he’s ever had being fatter than Christina, is irrelevant. He believes he’s encouraging her to be her best self.
Denise Richards: unconvincing as a nuclear physicist
Men have long memories for Bond, and Denise was totally unconvincing as a scientist in The World Is Not Enough. It’s a shame she messed up her chance with Joey, whose mobility scooter can be seen outside the pub from 1pm to 11pm daily, because he fancied her in Starship Troopers.
Sydney Sweeney: just doesn’t do it for Gary
Your mate Gary is the first to admit he doesn’t know why he’s not hugely attracted to Sydney. She should investigate by flying to the UK and conducting a series of interviews with him to identify her problem. It may turn out he’s not into blondes, in which case she can dye her hair the same shade of brown as his ex-wife and intercourse can take place.
