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All over by time I got up, confirms Meghan

THE Duchess of Sussex has confirmed that the entire jamboree involving her father-in-law was over before she was out of bed.

An eight-hour time difference between London and Montecito meant that Meghan slept through the procession, the service, the oath, the anointing, the investiture, the enthronement, the Royal Salute and all the rest of her husband’s family’s bullshit.

She said: “Harry’s been texting. Seems he was pretty bored. I normally only get this many when he’s on a flight.

“Ah, forgot it was his dad’s whole thing yesterday. They’re probably showing it on CNN. Do you want to see Daddy on the television, Lilibet? No? You’re watching Bluey?

“Yes, well I’m sure I wasn’t missed. No point in two of us suffering through these interminable occasions. I did a week-and-a-half with his bloody family last year and it’s not like he has to see mine.

“Anyway nothing will have happened. It’s always the same: processions, soldiers, flag-waving, standing around in an old church and various 400-year-old bejeweled items placed on wooden surfaces. The novelty wears off fast.

“Harry can tell me about it when he gets back. If he wants. He finds it all extremely embarrassing.”

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What to do when you realise you're on the dregs table at a wedding

EXCITED to attend a good friend’s wedding only to realise you’re sat at the dregs table with the other people they don’t really like? Here’s how to cope:

Silently fume

You want to approach the happy couple at the head table and demand to know why the f**k you’ve been seated right at the back with all the misfits and weirdos. One time 12 years ago the bride called you her best friend, for Christ’s sake. But it’s their special day and you can’t do that, so you sit down and seethe instead.

Interrogate the rest of the table

You can’t believe you’re this unimportant, so you grill the other guests about who they know and how. They’re all second cousins, primary school pals or friends of the bride’s parents. Are you really this worthless to people you thought you were close to? Yes, it turns out you are.

Drink heavily

There’s nothing for it but to hog the single bottle of free wine on the table and drown your sorrows. Neck it quickly while everyone else is politely sipping their first glass. It’s fine. These losers are just glad to have been invited while you’re now nursing a broken heart.

Bond with the rest of the table

After the groom’s brother’s mate’s girlfriend buys a couple more bottles for the table, everyone loosens up and you find out they’re all pissed off about being on the shit table too. Test the waters with a slightly bitchy comment about the wedding dress before going in hard with a real slagging off when the bride’s old next-door neighbour agrees with you.

Heckle the speeches

You are now a band of brothers with an unbreakable bond forged by feeling unappreciated, and also by drinking a lot. Celebrate by shouting stuff out during the speeches, and miming being sick whenever there is a soppy bit. They ruined your day, so you’re going to ruin theirs too.

Rinse the buffet and go wild at the disco

Given that you put on a fancy outfit and spent £200 on a train ticket and a hotel room, you’re going to get your money’s worth out of this shitshow. Stuff your face with cocktail sausages and quiche, then throw yourself around the dance floor until you vomit. If you’re lucky, some will go on the groom’s shoes.

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