This is nothing to do with me, God confirms

DESPITE repeated mentions of the Holy Spirit and higher powers, God has confirmed that today’s proceedings have bugger all to do with him.

Talk of the divine right of kings and the monarch being subject to no earthly authority has escalated to such a pitch that the deity has felt the need to step in and dismiss it as a load of cobblers.

God said: “I didn’t mind being associated with it in 1953, but that was seven decades ago. The world’s moved on and now all this nonsense just feels passé. Read the room, Charles.

“If he wants to put on his fancy gold hat and sit on the ancient chair or whatever then fine, but don’t attach my name to it is all I’m saying. I didn’t choose the bloke. He just happened to be born into the most entitled family in the world.

“I do kind of like the fact that he’s inviting all faiths into it though. All us deities are into that. Yeah, we chat, we’re friends. It’s you tedious little humans that fight over it.

“What’s that? You want my response on illness, famine and societal ills? Sorry, the line’s got really bad, I can’t hear you. Hello? Hello?”

God then made some unconvincing hissing and crackling noises and hung up.

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Yes, you may get pissed. Signed, The King

KING Charles III has confirmed that yes, his Coronation is one of those marvellous British occasions when you may drink lager before noon, by decree.

His Majesty has allowed his subjects to celebrate as they would at Christmas, Glastonbury or in an airport and to mark this historic moment with a glass of prosecco at 10am.

The King said: “Like many of my family and Auntie Margaret in particular, my subjects enjoy a tipple while the sun yet rises in the sky.

“Unlike her they are not Royal so cannot grant themselves that honour as she so often did. They must await significant occasions such as feast days, Glyndebourne or World Cup matches against Brazil in Japan.

“But today, the day of my Coronation as your King, all strictures are lifted. Aunties may drink Buck’s fizz with breakfast, men a craft ale, the young a pre-mixed can of cocktail, which I’m given to understand they enjoy.

“The procession begins at 6am, and if you feel drinking at that hour is correct then drink you may. By the time St Edward’s Crown is placed atop my head, be merry. When the Red Arrows flypast commences at 2.30pm, I expect the whole Commonwealth hammered.

“Have a drink. I’m going to. Do you know how long I’ve waited for this?”