All Royals to disclose genital problems

ALL members of the Royal Family will now disclose full details of their genital conditions whether the public wish to know or not.

With King Charles being treated for an enlarged prostate, Buckingham Palace has announced that regular updates will be given on ailments ranging from minor vaginal infections to hideous genital warts.

A Palace spokesperson said: “The Royal genitals are a source of national pride and of great interest to the public. As such the masses deserve to be kept informed about their status.

“For example, we can now confirm suspicions as to whether Her Majesty the Princess of Wales uses Femfresh. The answer is no – Kate has an immaculate, self-cleaning vagina. 

“However, the Princess was witnessed chugging cartons of cranberry juice during an opening ceremony for a leisure centre in Milton Keynes last week. We can now reveal that was due to a particularly nasty UTI.

“In the light of the King’s enlarged prostate, we can confirm that Prince William suffers a similar affliction, the only treatment for which, sadly, is regular pegging. The King has decided to opt for more conventional treatment.”

Today Queen Camilla issued an official statement about her vagina, reading: “I am 76 years old, I’ve had two children and I’ve had to compete sexually with the People’s Princess. 

“My fanny is absolutely f**ked. It’s like an oyster that’s been stepped on by a shire horse. I just thought you’d like to know.”

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A white home counties roadman gives up vapes an' henergy drinks for Dry January

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains da rank consequences of abstinence

WAGWAN? Say less. Man bare sufferin’. Parents made man give up da henergy drinks an’ man’s vapes after da schitz Christmas fing, innit.

Active J bare slept for three days when man swilled all him’s Prime and burned through him’s Christmas vapes. Man was rank ill an’ parents said man had to go straight for month. Bruv, dat made man even iller.

Da first few days was da bare rankest. Man woz vexed all of da time, guzzlin’ water, an’ sweatin’ even more water than man woz guzzlin’. Mental awake. How does givin’ up Monster make man feel sick, blud?

Den, hafter a week man gets bare henergy wivout bustin’ da henergy drinks. Wot ‘appenin’ there, cuz? Man does run up dem stairs, an’ heveryfink. Man woz hydratin’ wiv da fruity smoovies an’ da’ fruity juice, an’ cravin’ da broccoli tree to eat.

Man hactually thought Maccy D’s stank loud, an’ dat plantburger woz leng. Wot, bruv! An’ Miss Jackson woz for real shook when her’s found Active J playin’ footy on da hastroturf, hinstead of vapin’ an’ flexin’ swag fresh wiv man’s gyaldem.

But end come when Miss bigging man up coz man ‘anded him’s history ‘omework in on time, an’ man’s gyal Lady G an’ wasteman dickhead Drilla bare laughin’. Active J woz becomin’ a randomdem; a dead brand muggle, more time. Man ‘ad enough.

Dry Januhairy is over for man. Him’s went missin’ for time, but has returned from da deaddem crew. So spark up da bubblegum vape ting coz Active J is back, fam. An’ him’s peng gassed.