Annoyingness of Gisele Bundchen underrated

THE model Gisele is more annoying than she gets credit for, it has been claimed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that the Brazilian clothes wearer is consistently very tiresome.

Professor Henry Brusker said: “When calculating annoyingness we use a unit of measurement called a Paltrow. A shy animal like a frog, which is really not annoying on any level, scores zero, whereas Paltrow herself emits a maximum 30 Paltrows.

“However Gisele is clocking in at a hefty 29 Paltrows. Why is she always pictured on sand with dogs and kids, wearing a billowy shirt with bikini bottoms? Can she not afford trousers? Does she live on a desert planet like Dune?

“If you look at the pictures closely it’s always different dogs, different kids. So contrived.

“In conclusion, fuck off.”

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Taylor Swift to produce bland, catchy porn

TAYLOR Swift is to produce pornography that is unremarkable on the surface but really gets into your head. 

The star purchased the and domains to make adult films that offer nothing unique but are broadcast everywhere 24 hours a day until you cannot forget them.

She said: “In today’s multiscreen multitasking world, nobody has the time to actually concentrate on porn from the stilted opening scenes to its sticky, shameful conclusion. 

“Taylor Swift Adult Erotic needs only the most half-hearted attention in a reduced window on your desktop while you do work emails, but contains memorable grunting patterns that will replay on a loop in your mind for days.”

Wayne Hayes of Huddersfield said: “After repeated viewing I found myself mimicking the pattern of the sex sounds while on the tube.

“I wouldn’t buy it myself, it’s more my girlfriend’s sort of thing, but I must admit I’m quite looking forward to the live shows.”