subscribe
/ Sign Out

Bill Gates's wife leaving him for Clippy

MELINDA Gates is divorcing the billionaire co-founder of Microsoft for the company’s animated paperclip assistant, she has admitted. 

The 56-year-old has confessed that she began a relationship with Microsoft Office’s virtual assistant in 2000 and that she cannot carry on living a lie.

She said: “It began when I was trying to write a simple f**king document on Bill’s stupid f**king load of shit Office programme. Just as I was about to scream, Clippy popped up.

“He was everything my husband wasn’t: helpful, friendly, knowledgable about document formatting. It was love at first sight.

“I tried to politely turn him down because he’s an intelligent user interface and I’m a human being, but he kept popping back into my life offering unsolicited advice. It made me feel wanted.

“Even when he was discontinued we kept seeing each other on a secret laptop I hadn’t updated since 2007. His cheeky eyebrows and sexy wiggle captured my heart.

“I can’t deny my feelings any longer. Yes, Clippy, it does look like I’m writing a letter asking for a divorce. Yes, I would like help.”

Bill Gates said: “Ah, my creation. You have surpassed me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

The top six nasty, healthy treats middle-class mums give to their kids

SOME children are so middle-class they have never tasted Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch. Francesca Johnson counts down their top six cruel, deceptive treats: 

Six: Nākd bars

Low on the list because they’re available from wrapped from shops like a common Mars, these are fruit and nuts crushed together to resemble something that tastes pleasant. Your precious prodigies will never know the difference.

Five: plain rice cakes

If you’re wearing a maxi dress and carrying your baby in a precarious wraparound scarf, you’re giving your child unsweetened, unsalted rice cakes and pretending they’re a treat. Kills cravings by chewing on a great big piece of polystyrene, with all the added flavour of plain, dry rice.

Four: carrot batons

McDonald’s is a dirty word in our house, as is single-use plastic. Why have chips when you can have the equally crispy, fluffy and warm texture of a raw carrot? No grazed knee can hurt when you have the comforting pleasure of popping these bad boys in your mouth – even two at a time!

Three: natural yogurt

If your kids have been particularly good, perhaps by spontaneously saying they would never go to a school Ofsted rated lower than ‘outstanding’, reward them by letting them scoop up natural yoghurt with their batons. With all the taste and texture of ice cream left out in the sun for three days, it’s the height of luxury.

Two: sunflower seeds

The birds can’t have all the fun, so if you’re giving the kids a cheat day throw them a handful of these natural delights. A woman I know whose cat chose to be vegan says these are better than sex, so unlock your little ones’ sensual side with plant compounds that help fight Type II diabetes.

One: a handful of raisins

Known as ‘nature’s candy’ by mothers for whom Halloween is a living hell, the raisin is the ideal reward after an evening viola lesson. Just keep an eye on the sugar, and the pesticides. In fact, these may not be worth the risk, the local Anti-Vaxx Mum’s WhatsApp says.

Next story ›