NETFLIX have ended their partnership with Meghan Markle after her show failed to be a compelling glimpse of her life or even her jam. These are the leaked emails:
17/1/26: Further to our earlier email, we feel watching you place fruit on a plate and call it a ‘fruit rainbow’ is poor value for $100 million. Or for $100. Could you try to be less lame and vapid? And stop putting ‘edible flower sprinkles’ on everything? Nobody does that.
22/1/26: We’d assumed Harry would be in the show a lot more, as in at all. An insight into your glamorous but pressured Royal/celebrity lives was part of the pitch. Instead we’ve seen him three times, once from the back. Can he be in it more, please? Not to be rude, but what the f**k else is he doing?
3/2/26: On reflection we feel that basing the show around jam-making was a flawed idea. Also audiences enjoy conflict and peril, so could you have a screaming row with your husband? Perhaps try saying ‘what even is the point of you now you’re not Royal’ or ‘bad enough you’re ginger but now you’re bald?’ Just anything that rings true.
13/2/26: Sorry, but we feel that making ‘lavender towels’ by infusing a towel with lavender-scented steam is not behaviour conversant with sanity. Please focus on crafts that could appeal to a normal member of the public. We can have one sent over.
20/2/26: We have your ratings, and they’re not good. To break it down and make it more granular, they’re f**king awful. Some test quotes: ‘Why has she never met any of the low-level celebrities she introduces as friends?’ ‘Is this even her house?’ and ‘Would it hurt to show a little cleavage? She wasn’t averse when she was in bloody Suits’.
26/2/26: Thank you for your last email. We were not expecting you to be so angry about disappointing jam sales, or for you to propose the show be even more jam-focused than previously. Your suggestion we ‘CGI’ you into our Oscar-nominated movies Frankenstein and Train Dreams ‘offering jam to the protagonists’ will be considered.
5/3/26: We regret to inform you we will not commission further seasons of With Love, Meghan. Obviously this is a blow to all of us who invested time, effort and love in it, a group which does not include you, but it will be an enormous relief not to watch an overprivileged woman drying flowers in a microwave like it’s f**king rocket science.
9/3/26: Dear Princess of Wales, we would love to move forward with your proposed lifestyle show. Our viewers yearn to learn more about lavender towels and edible flower sprinkles.
