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Six wars it would have been nice to end in a fortnight when they got boring

TRUMP has declared war with Iran all but over because he personally has moved on. We’d live in a better world if these had also been called off early for dullness: 

World War One, 1914-1918

Began in 1914, and by the end of the year everyone was nice and settled in trenches where they were slaughtered for no real purpose for a further three years. Germany might as well have said ‘Yeah, fair enough, we tried’ and settled it then. What if they hadn’t meant it and started another war within 25 years? Imagine.

The Hundred Years’ War, 1337-1453

It was actually 116 years long, frequently interrupted by the Black Death, and all fought for the right to sit on the throne of France anyway. If they’d known the top prize was to eventually get guillotined, could it have been ended sooner? Joan of Arc would have been able to grow her hair out, marry a lovely young man and have kids.

The Wars of the Roses, 1455-1487

Remember being approached in the playground, asked if you were red or blue, and getting a dead leg for giving the wrong answer? That on a national scale, but the teams weren’t City or United but York and Lancaster. Also you’re a peasant struggling to farm enough wheat to eat stale bread through winter and the man asking has a sword and a feather in his hat.

The Crimean War, 1853-1856

Even establishing what this one was about, and why France, Turkey, Britain and the Kingdom of Sardinia-Piedmont felt it necessary to weigh in, is near impossible. Russia had to, it was their Crimea. If, at some point in 1854, a participant had said ‘Lads, I’m not feeling it, shall we all go home?’ it would likely have met with mumbled agreement.

The Iraq War, 2003-2011

Back in the 00s, singles would be played on Radio 1 for six weeks before being released so they’d go straight to number one. That was nothing compared to Iraq, which suffered a fatiguing pre-release period comparable only to the marketing of Barbie. We were bored before it even began. Nobody knew it ended in 2011 because we tuned out in 2004.

The Russo-Ukrainian War, 2022-ongoing

Honestly, Putin, we’d have more respect for you if you gave up. Withdrew the troops, ceded the territory, accepted that you made the classic f**k-up of trying to invade Russia but from the other direction. Because over here in the West we pretend not if asked but we’ve all tired of it. You’re not seeing Ukranian flags these days, are you?

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Five other art forms that can go f**k themselves and all, by Timothée Chalamet

NOT content with shots fired at opera and ballet, actor Timothée Chalamet has decided a number of other art forms are shite and for wankers, including these: 

Miming

Offended? As if. When did you, or anyone you know, ever pay to see a dick pretending to be in a glass box? Exactly. And don’t give me bullshit about punching down on the less privileged. Audiences have deemed miming unpopular, so kill it and bury it in a glass coffin. It’s what its mute practitioners would want.

Puppetry

Why still f**k about with strings that shatter the suspension of disbelief when we have CGI? We don’t need you to stick your hand up Kermit’s ass any more. You’re doing it because you want to. Though obviously if any directors would like me to voice a character in their puppet film, I’ll happily oblige. That’s piss-easy work for a shit-ton of money.

Slam poetry

Poetry’s bad enough when it rhymes, but I guess in the old days daffodils were some hot shit. But poetry’s way worse when angrily performed by some trust fund baby in an Brooklyn basement. Nobody wants to hear an edgy John Cooper Clarke wannabe spitting bars about classism or the climate crisis. Learn to rap or f**k off.

Pottery

If you sit hunched over turntables clumsily trying to fashion a pot out of clay you’ve failed at life. We’ve got factories to do that now and they churn out thousands in seconds. Nobody’s queuing to see the latest blockbuster pot, which by my metric means it’s culturally irrelevant. 2023’s Wonka, now that’s worth preserving for the ages.

AI slop prompt writing

Scary, isn’t it, to find yourself agreeing with me? Regardless of whether it threatens my job as an actor and heartthrob, which it totally doesn’t, typing a few prompts into an AI image generator doesn’t make you an artist. Anyone who thinks otherwise should be forced to draw a horse by hand and not allowed food until it looks like one.

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