Subscribe

Don’t WANT to play with army men now! Want BALLROOM!

SICK of army men! Army men BORING! Just big bangs and people with long names I can’t even say DEAD! Want to build arch and ballroom today! 

I’ve BEATED Iran! They’re defeated now and anyway it’s STUPID, just bombs and bombs and interceptor missiles and the Strait of Hormuz which I don’t even believe in so there! Iran is OVER! If Israel still wants to fight it they can.

Trump ARCH will commemmormmemmorate VICTORY over Iran! Will be biggest arch ever, bigger than in silly France or England who are NOT my friends, and arch will say TRUMP WON on it in GOLD and in LATIN!

Stop it! Stop saying ‘militarily we have made certain commitments’! Stop saying ‘the US Navy will need time to withdraw!’ WAR is OVER because Trump WANTS it! Say I won. Say I WON or YOU’RE FIRED!

Putin says I’ve won. I talked to him on the phone when I made you go in the other room. He says I’ve COMPLETELY won and should withdraw TODAY, and he knows more than YOU about wars because he’s WINNING one! So there!

Army men are rubbish, coming back all dead so no I’m NOT sorry I didn’t take my hat off because they’re LOSERS! I want my ballroom NOW! Why isn’t it built? Architects? We don’t NEED architects! I DESIGNED it myself with my coloured PENS!

GOING now, and when I come back I don’t want to see any war anywhere. Going where? To restroom. NO I did NOT shit myself, that smell is someone else! That SMELL is POOPY IRAN!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to handle seeing a girl your boyfriend would definitely fancy

THERE she is, waiting for her coffee order as if she’s done nothing wrong knowing full well your boyfriend would be all over her if he were here, which he isn’t. Here’s how to cope:

Text him angrily

All that’s standing between you and your beloved straining at the leash to betray you? His absence. Not the love and fidelity he’s pledged. Not all you’ve shared together. Fire off a text to let him know what a fickle, shallow arsehole he is, but without giving away it’s because you’ve seen her. ‘F**k you for not putting the bins out’ should do it.

Itemise defects

Her hair is too shiny, her tote bag quote annoying. That skinny with tits that big is ridiculous. There’s no way things would work between him and her. He’d be intimidated by constant competition from other men and irritated by her ten step skincare routine. You could look like that if only you were completely shallow and self-obsessed.

Feel pity and contempt for their age difference

She must be a good six years younger than him. There was a time when that would have constituted a police matter. Even though they’d both be in their 20s, it would be best if he signed some kind of a register. She’s essentially a 25-year-old infant with a child’s brain and he’s sick for even considering it.

Shudder with horror at his attempt to flirt

God, even his first approach to this vision of loveliness would be a crash-landing. She’s dated exclusively millionaires or gangsters since she turned 18 and in comes a data analyst from Croydon, stuttering and salivating and all he can think of to ask is ‘Do you like bread?’ She wouldn’t even answer and he’d walk away all defeated. Snooty bitch.

Leave as if nothing happened

You’ve just completed an entire emotional arc your partner will never know about. Receding behind you sits a stranger who has unknowingly participated in a relationship stress test. He should be ashamed, and she should be served with a restraining order which specifies it’s for whoredom. You? You’ve triumphed. Hold your head up high.

Next story ›