Cheryl Cole not good enough for Americans

BRITISH culture was dealt a devastating blow last night after Cheryl Cole was sacked by Americans.

The Girls Aloud star has been removed from the US version of the X-Factor with sources claiming she lacked the urbane sophistication demanded by Arkansas creationists who have sexual intercourse with their children’s shotguns.

Elizabeth Jones, the Oprah Winfrey professor of Crime Scene:Navy Crime at Reading University, said: “To us she’s just an apple-faced Geordie shop girl with an explosive right hook.

“But you’d think that for Americans her air of European mystery would make her a modern-day Marlene Dietrich. She scrubs up well, she has an unusual accent and she doesn’t eat processed cheese products with her feet.

“What makes it even more galling us that she’s been replaced by Nicole Scherzinger. I simply do not believe that there is an American alive who can pronounce that surname.”

Stephen Malley, head of commissioning at ITV, added: “Not five days ago thousands of them believed an insane old man who told them the world was going to end because he had a Bible and a calculator.

“How did it get to the point where Cheryl Cole is unable to impress people who get stuck reading a pictures-only version of the Old Testament?

“Then again, if America doesn’t think she’s good enough but Britain does, that makes me a little bit terrified.

“I think I shall upgrade my satnav lest I take a wrong turn, get lost in the middle of a housing estate and some Cheryl Cole fans take my trousers off and tell me to squeal like a pig.”

Meanwhile Professor Jones added: “Oh Christ, I’ve just realised something. What if she’s not good enough for Australians?”

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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Last weekend I was doing something I shouldn’t with an unknown gentleman in a nightclub toilet when we were unexpectedly interrupted by my sister-in-law. One minute we were dry riding to R-Kelly, the next, the door had flown open and she was standing there, aghast. Unfortunately, by the time I’d peeled my pants off the floor she had gone. The thing is, she’s not said anything to my husband yet, but I very much doubt she’s going to keep it a secret for long because she’s a vindictive cow. Have you got any suggestions for ensuring she keeps schtum, or should I just go ahead and garotte her with her own washing line?

Dear Agatha,
Perhaps, if you happen to get lots of pocket money, you might want to pay for a soup injection, just like that naughty footballer in the news this week. I’m not actually sure what a soup injection is, and what flavour of soup it involves, and if you also get a bread roll, but it seems to make lots of people mad, especially the ones who write in the papers because they’re not allowed to say anything about you, even if you do terribly naughty things. Whatever it is, I’m going to raid my piggy bank and try to scrape together enough to give my teacher, Mrs Bradley, a soup injection before parents evening this week, so she can’t tell my mummy and daddy all about how I poured poster paint into Amelie Parker’s My Little Pony lunch box as retaliation for blunting my silver glitter pen. As far as I’m concerned, my activities outside the classroom are nothing to do with my school work and are my own private business, and Mrs Bradley has no right to broadcast this information to anyone. Not even on Twitter.
Hope that helps!