BRITISH culture was dealt a devastating blow last night after Cheryl Cole was sacked by Americans.
The Girls Aloud star has been removed from the US version of the X-Factor with sources claiming she lacked the urbane sophistication demanded by Arkansas creationists who have sexual intercourse with their children’s shotguns.
Elizabeth Jones, the Oprah Winfrey professor of Crime Scene:Navy Crime at Reading University, said: “To us she’s just an apple-faced Geordie shop girl with an explosive right hook.
“But you’d think that for Americans her air of European mystery would make her a modern-day Marlene Dietrich. She scrubs up well, she has an unusual accent and she doesn’t eat processed cheese products with her feet.
“What makes it even more galling us that she’s been replaced by Nicole Scherzinger. I simply do not believe that there is an American alive who can pronounce that surname.”
Stephen Malley, head of commissioning at ITV, added: “Not five days ago thousands of them believed an insane old man who told them the world was going to end because he had a Bible and a calculator.
“How did it get to the point where Cheryl Cole is unable to impress people who get stuck reading a pictures-only version of the Old Testament?
“Then again, if America doesn’t think she’s good enough but Britain does, that makes me a little bit terrified.
“I think I shall upgrade my satnav lest I take a wrong turn, get lost in the middle of a housing estate and some Cheryl Cole fans take my trousers off and tell me to squeal like a pig.”
Meanwhile Professor Jones added: “Oh Christ, I’ve just realised something. What if she’s not good enough for Australians?”