Clarkson forced to deliver books and DVDs

JEREMY Clarkson’s new Amazon contract includes an obligation to deliver 300 parcels a month.

Clarkson, along with James May and Richard Hammond, will be forced to start work at 5am, delivering books, DVDs and Nutri-Bullets across the country before making another dreary programme about cars.

A spokesman for Amazon said: “There is a good chance that within the next couple of years even the most fervent Top Gear fan will tire of it.

“Because it’s so awful.

“At that point we do need to get our money’s worth. So for an extra fifty quid you can have Clarkson or one of the other ones – I want to say ‘Trevor’ and ‘Little Mickey’ – deliver your hot yoga DVDs or the latest corrected version of Go Set a Watchman.

Clarkson said: “I will be doing the deliveries in a Lamborghini Aventador because you can’t afford one. And if you don’t answer the door within 10 seconds I’ll  tell you that you look like a Mexican prostitute and then punch you.

“In the face.”

The Amazon spokesman added: “We’re hoping Little Mickey won’t have too many bored housewives on his route as there’s a strong chance he could become some sort of miniature sex slave.”

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Dunkirk-style mission to leave stranded migrants where they are

A FLOTILLA of brave of volunteers will sail to Calais and then sail back with no migrants on board.

Their aim is to rescue nobody whatsoever from absolutely desperate straits.

The ‘little ships’ will arrive in the French port, indicate in sign language to bedraggled refugees that Britain is absolutely full up, then return home with plenty of space on their vessels.

Tom Logan, 54, from Dover, organised the mission after he read an article about the Second World War.

Logan said: “There’s been talk of sending the army but they’re fully committed at the moment, appearing at Premier League half time presentation ceremonies.

“So I decided to whip up a local volunteer force. We’ll row across the English Channel with one aim in mind; to tell these poor, sodden wretches to piss right off.

“They need to pack up their troubles and go back to the hellholes that Britain absolutely did not help to create in the first place.”