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Do a livestream with Tommy Robinson: how Harry can get the Daily Mail back on his side

PRINCE Harry is in the UK and presumably desperate to make up with the Daily Mail, his truest friend. Here’s what he needs to do to win it back: 

Do a livestream with Tommy Robinson

For no good reason except his multiple convictions, no politicians will touch Tommy even though Mail readers believe him an unfairly-maligned English patriot. Harry could get back to his roots by appearing in a livestream less awkward than his Oprah appearances and more racist than his brother has dared to be.

Do a respect-paying grave tour

The Mail approved of Harry visiting his nan’s grave, so capitalise on that. Looking sombre at the graves of Thatcher, Churchill and Amy Winehouse would get the Mail’s approval but the obvious crowd pleaser is the remains of Captain Tom. Especially if Harry leaves a stuffed Paddington Bear, our universal mark of respect for the fallen.

Make up with his family

Harry needs to swallow his pride, forget he was right and apologise to all the Royals he’s fallen out with. They seem shallow, dim and unused to listening, so ‘Sorry for making you attack me without provocation, bruv’ should fix it. Come Christmas, they’ll be splatting unsuspecting stags’ brains across moorland like a family again.

Divorce his wife

The Mail’s hatred of Meghan is bottomless. Harry knows what he did wrong – marry a woman he loved – and he knows what he has to do. Filing for divorce would be the greatest day in the paper’s history, beating even the Liz Truss budget. Nothing could bring them more joy except bringing back hanging and/or serfdom.

Attend an asylum protest

These spontaneous outbursts of anger by loving mums whose only concern is their little ones’ safety have faded a bit because there’s only so many ways to make 30 people look like the entire country. But Harry turning up in a blazer and brogues would breathe new life into them, and his ‘save are kids’ banner would be spelt correctly.

Get a new Kate-style wife

Once divorced Harry would need a new wife, and who better than his sister-in-law? But she’s taken so he’d need to find her minor aristocrat lookalike, perhaps a girl who is officially the 11th Viscount of Shropshire, but in reality is a dreadful posh girl who dabbled briefly in modelling. Kate will allow him to marry her before she sets to destroying her.

Clone Princess Diana

At the time she was worse than Meghan, but now all any Mail reader wants is their Diana back. Harry must have enough of her DNA to Jurassic Park it, and then she can re-enter the family like an EastEnders villain. Raises ethical questions, yes, but the Mail will be sorted for content until about 2105.

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Sex advice from your parents it took you bloody years to find out was totally wrong

YOUR braces are off, you’ve discovered Lynx Epic Fresh and your parents have accepted getting laid is a possibility. This is the red-faced, mumbled advice they gave you: 

“You’ll know what to do naturally” 

Being a good lover comes instinctively, like a baby bird learning to fly by being pushed out of the nest. That’s how your dad learned. The question of whether his instinct made him any good or just able to procreate is one he’s never paused to consider.

“When you’re ready, you’ll know” 

What will the signs be? Butterflies? Birds singing? Fireworks? Unchained Melody played by a string quartet? When it turned out the actual sign was your boyfriend Warren getting his knob out.

“If he won’t wear a condom, it isn’t love” 

For years, you took any lover’s reluctance to glove up as a personal affront. Then you discovered how much more pleasant sex was without an odorous latex interlude.

“Don’t be too eager or you’ll scare them off”

A helpful tip which resulted in scores of potential lovers assuming you weren’t interested and actual lovers assuming you were the matriarch of the Addams family? Which got you a lot of Goth cock.

“Don’t ask what she wants, you should know”

Perhaps the worst advice ever given about not only sex but women. If she told you what gets her off, that would be cheating on the great A-level examination that is sex. As a result you satisfied no woman until you were 28.

“You’ve had a tampon up there, it’s not much different” 

It is very different. There’s no applicator, and you can’t wedge it in then go about your day. Also, men aren’t so honest about size as the Feminine Products section at Tesco.

“Women don’t really like sex, they just put up with it”

An assumption their partner will experience zero pleasure does explain a lot of male lovemaking. If you’re a woman, you’ll expect sex to be a burden. Your libido still baffles you to this day.

“You shouldn’t need lube if you’re doing it right”

Because vaginal dryness is nothing but a wry comment on his foreplay technique. Two stars, says your pussy.

“Try and last by reciting the alphabet” 

It’s impossible to recite the alphabet without doing that song, and that song’s the same tune as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and now you’re half-whisting a children’s bedtime lullaby while pounding away. Not sexy.

“Make her climax by tonguing the alphabet”

Better, though still disturbingly redolent of early-years learning. What do you do if you’ve reached Z and she’s not finished? Move on to numbers? Punctuation marks? Wingdings?

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